12 - Release Self-Hate : the roots (part 1/2)

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Hello, everyone.

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Thank you for tuning in today's episode.

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If you're new, welcome.

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And if you're not, thank you for coming back.

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We've discussed in our previous episode, how self-hate can really be a metamorph,

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more than just mean voices in our heads or not liking our reflection in the

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mirror and how actually even if it is a patriarchal bullshit, it's also a

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protective mechanism, even if it sucks.

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I already had to cut the self hate episode in three parts.

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Turns out the roots of self hate will be cut into two too.

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Otherwise you would be stuck for 50 minutes with me.

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I seem to have a lot of things to say about self hate.

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So stay with me, definitely worth it.

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If you're like me, you may have been in this meta state of hating your self-hate

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because you don't want it to be here and you wish things would be different.

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But for things to be different, and knowing what to do with it, we need

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to understand where it comes from.

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. Because this smart self hate snake has to be very versatile.

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As in what the sources of power are, so this snake actually

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mess up so hard with us.

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Sell hate comes from a lack of self-love.

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I am almost sure you didn't need me for that.

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But let's discuss the roots of this lack of self-love.

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I'm sure there are tons of them.

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the combo of your own personal history and the mess

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of society, the lack of pleasure, and the lack of embodiment and dissociation.

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The easiest one society.

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Constant injunctions around us to be different.

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To be better.

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To be almost everything else than what we are and anyone else then who we are.

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This constant feeling of not being enough, not being good enough.

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If you're thin, get some muscle.

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If you're curvy, loose some weight.

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If you don't orgasm yelling yes, yes, yes.

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You're frigid.

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But if you express yourself too much, you're a slut.

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You have multiple partners, you're a slut too.

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You dress in something that makes you feel sexy, you're a slut to.

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And on and on and on and on and on.

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When you are told consciously, or unconsciously, day in and day out

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that you're not enough, not good enough, you don't look you like

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what you're supposed to look like.

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No wonder we start to hate ourselves.

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I do want to point out though, that things are changing in the

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past years and that's great.

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Let's get going, we still have a lot of work to do.

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So we tend to get stuck into this wanting to be different, because we get

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this constant contradictory messages.

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But when you think about it for a second, Who do you want to look

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like ? Who do you want to be?

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Really, like take a piece of paper and write it.

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For real, you can pause this episode, I'll still be here when you come back.

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Write or draw, or give a form to who you want to be like.

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Three main things might happen here.

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First you notice you have a really detailed list of who you want to be,

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and she's a future version of yourself.

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Keep going.

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Second, you have a detailed idea, but this person is the opposite of who you are.

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We can do something about that heal, the self hate that makes you feel like

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you would prefer to be someone else.

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And the last one.

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You might notice, you actually have no idea of who you want to be like or what

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you want to look like, you just had this feeling of needing to be different

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but without any conscious details

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The most important thing to get from that, is how we are actually wasting time,

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trying to chase something that isn't...

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even well-defined.

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That will never work.

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It doesn't exist.

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You already know the pictures in the magazine have so much

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Photoshop, they're not even real.

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And sometimes we laugh so hard because no matter how many people looked at

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the picture, they all validated a limb with an impossible angle or a

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totally misproportionned foot or hand..

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Or just looking at a picture, and be like, okay, somebody used

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too much Photoshop on this one.

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We are actually told to chase a mere ghost, a mixture of white cisgendered,

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male gaze and porn fantasies, western nuclear family cliches technological tools

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that erase our particularities as human.

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, and most of all, centuries of having to stay quiet, make yourself as little

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as possible and do what you're told.

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A perfect ghost, that has no life on her own, modeled to contempt

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everyone, and no one at the same time.

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Especially not herself.

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So, now what ? Do you still want to be this ghost ? With glassy eyes,

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a pale skin and a waist so tight, it cannot even have the digestive

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system you need to be alive.

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When you think about it for a second : this is literally

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starving ourselves from life energy.

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Making what is supposed to feed you disappear ? Talk about control.

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Do you really want that?

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Do you really want to be a ghost?

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No judgment here if you answer yes to this question, I had been doing that

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for years, even if I knew this was a ghost I couldn't ever come close

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to, a part of me still wanted that.

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And, the question I loved to ask my coachees when I saw them stuck in this

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how is chasing this model that doesn't even

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exist helping you ? You are a smart being, you don't do anything stupid.

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So, how is this helping you?

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What do you get out of chasing this person?

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Let me say that again.

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What do you get out of trying to be this person that doesn't exist and

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is only created as an accumulation of expectations for women?

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How is this helping you?

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I'm going to pause for a second, just to let you think about it.

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How is this helping you?

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" it's not helping me so I'll stop doing it".

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Great.

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If you're aware of this pattern, that's amazing.

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Also know that it might come back in a sneaky way sooner or later.

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So get your detection talents on board and be ready.

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But for some of us, even after asking this question, we still want to be that ghost.

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Even if we know, even if we understand, we still want it and that's okay.

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There is nothing wrong with you if you are there because it's

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really easy to say loud and clear: "I am ready to let this go" and

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actually doing it and letting it go.

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Because doing it is scary because everyone around us will be like

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:"huh, what is going on with you?

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You've changed so much".

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And that's okay if at the moment you're happy with where you are.

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As long as you are truly happy, without a yearning of something else that

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would help you fill the void inside, there is no need to change anything.

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If your model is that persona, and if you feel good with that, great.

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When you add that and your own personal history, you get

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a master combo for self-hate.

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Some parts of your own experiences will come and reinforce that conditioning.

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Others will help you feel better.

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But too bad, we cannot change our history.

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We can only change how we look at it.

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And sometimes you can't.

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Only people who haven't been abused, raped, or anything dare

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to say to someone "find the good in your traumas", like "find the

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good in this abuse rape situation".

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The only thing you can do is to choose to understand where it

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come from, when it's possible.

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Also acknowledge that sometimes you cannot understand.

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And try to do something with it.

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Talk about being disempowered and doomed.

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Society and your history will completely mess with who you are, and you are

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doomed with an existence of suffering.

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Not really, because personally I'm not a fan of suffering and hell no

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many people live in the same society and they don't feel this self-hate.

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So, it has to come from somewhere else

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After exploring the obvious root of self-hate: society and personal history.

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Let's talk about something less obvious :our conditioning around pleasure.

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You don't need me to tell you most of our conditioning around her

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sexuality is about shame and guilt.

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But, have you noticed how much of it comes from our conditioning around pleasure?

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Let's explore it a little bit.

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First things first, as you heard me say many times in this podcast, we

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are the only animal species that has an orgasm dedicated to our pleasure.

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And that's our clitoris.

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This beautiful organ has no other purpose than bringing us pleasure.

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So whoever wants to convince us pleasure is something not meant for us, go

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check your basic anatomy knowledge.

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And then think again.

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Who has the right answer ? A body carefully crafted from thousand

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and millions of year in evolution with a pleasure organ inside of

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it ? Or a mind that will disappear as soon as that person dies.

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And is actually convinced what was here before and what will

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be there after, is wrong.

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On a very basic level, the dynamic playing is the same as the flat belly injunction.

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When you see pictures everywhere and you see your own curvy belly, it's

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really easy to start hating it.

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Even if our bellies are the most precious thing on earth.

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They help us stay alive by bringing us energy, actually creating life, so of

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course, all of this goodness needs space.

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And that's what it's supposed to be spacious.

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If spacious looks flat on you on a natural state.

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Great.

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And if spacious looks curvy in your natural space.

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Great too.

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When I hate myself and my belly, I tried to remember that I'm actually

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lucky to have all the organs inside.

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I'm going to be honest, sometimes it works.

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And sometimes it doesn't and I still hate it.

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But so many of us had some part removed for some kind of health risk.

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And that comes with a lot of obligations and constraints.

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Stomas, infection risks.

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So if I have everything in place, of course it's going to take some space.

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Not gonna lie, it's not working all the time.

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And there is a good chance we will catch ourselves thinking mean things again.

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But just thinking them with a little bit of compassion, of

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a "I'm lucky to have you here.

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Whole" can be really helpful sometimes

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So back on the pleasure part.

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The dynamic is the same.

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We have this birthright to pleasure and we are constantly told something else.

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Of course, we would start to hate it.

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And what better way to self-hate than hating your pleasure essence.

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Talk about an other way of controlling women.

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Let's talk about some conditioning, we get around our pleasure.

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" Pleasure is dangerous.

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If you take too much of it you'll relish in pleasure and never do

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anything good with your life again".

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If you're there, I see you, a lot of us are there.

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Simple question here.

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If you had been denied a basic need of yours, let's say water, wouldn't

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you want to drink as much as possible when you finally get some water, just

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in case you never got some again?

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And what would be wrong with that?

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Would you just drink water for the rest of your life and not do anything else?

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Of course you wouldn't.

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At some point you would get hungry or anything, you would stop drinking.

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Since pleasure is our essence, of course, when you connect to it, you will feel

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you want to relish in it so that you can take the max of it, because you don't

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know when you will have some again.

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And, this is actually a very smart way of doing things.

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You're a smart being.

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You don't do anything stupid.

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Sometimes parts of you just didn't get the memo things have changed.

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So it's a way of being sure to make stock.

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And that's really clever.

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This urge stops only when your system integrates the resource will not

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be missing for a long time again.

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Just like, we don't feel the need to store water bottles when we

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have water when we open the sink.

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Whereas, if you don't have water available at hand, you store as much as you can.

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Same goes for pleasure.

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When your system feels this is the only little bit of pleasure

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it would get in a very long time.

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Of course, we'll try to store as much as possible.

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Whereas when you have a regular pleasure practice or connection

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to your pleasure of any sort, your system is like, "okay I can relax.

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It is available when I need it.

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It's not going to be missing".

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So when you disconnect from your pleasure and forbid yourself the access

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to it, you reinforce this urge to store it, and store it, and store it.

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Whereas, getting connected to your pleasure on a regular

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basis makes you feel good.

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And also soothes your system.

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So no, pleasure isn't dangerous, and you will not lose yourself in

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it if you dare to reconnect to it.

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You will only feel better.

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Another easily busted conditioning on pleasure?

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You deserve to have pleasure only in partnership.

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Nope.

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Sorry.

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My clitoris is inside of me first, and then I can share

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its magic powers with others.

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Your pleasure isn't yours.

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So we agree your balls and your dick are not yours, and the pleasure

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they give you isn't yours, too?

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And have I mentioned they're literally hanging outside of your body,

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whereas my orgasm organ is inside.

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So please keep your own house in order before having opinions, about mine.

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Pleasure is supposed to look like X, Y, and Z.

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And if this doesn't excite you, there is something wrong with you.

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First, never say yuck to anybody's yummy.

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I would also say, if I continue my clitoris analogy, we all have the same

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parts organized in different ways.

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Some of us have long clitoris hoods, other shorts, longer or shorter head of

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clitoris, longer or shorter inside lips.

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So if our pleasure organs are different from one person to

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another why would we have to have similar ways to experience pleasure?

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So Nope.

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Not your business.

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All of this weight on our pleasure, this conditioning...

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to the point, sometimes we doubt we're even allowed to experience it.

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When our essence is charged with so much weight and conditioning, how are

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we actually supposed to appreciate it?

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And not hate it.

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I truly believe one of the major routes of self hate is lack of pleasure.

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And if we remember pleasure is like water, it's easier to understand

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why we're so hungry of it.

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And there's nothing wrong with that.

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It's the other way around, it's really smart.

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And the thing is when we disconnect from our pleasure essence, it's

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really hard to know who we are.

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We feel hollow.

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And this feeling of nothingness is unbearable.

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Self hate is still a way to continue feeling something.

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And this is a third root after society and personal story combo, and lack of pleasure

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:the lack of embodiment and dissociation.

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Thank you so much for tuning in today and I'll see you next time.

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if you found this episode interesting, please feel free to share it with a loved

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one and consider subscribing to the podcast on your favorite podcast platform.

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And if you're yearning for more, I would invite you to sign up for

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my self-love letters, you will find the link in the show notes.

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And if you're excited and can't wait to get started, I also will link my ebook

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in the show notes, it's called essence.

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Thank you so much for sharing your time and your energy with me today.