16. 7 Sexyhacks that will make a difference

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Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of Your Sexified

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Life, in case we haven't met yet.

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I'm Fanny, your self-love and pleasure coach, and in this podcast we

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discuss what makes being alive, sexy.

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We reclaim our pleasure.

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We work on ourselves.

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We stop self-hate, and most of all, we take the commitment to feel alive

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and feel it all because we only have one life and it's time to live it.

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Welcome to your Sexify life.

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When I decided to write this episode, my brain was like: "are you not

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basically contradicting yourself?

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You're always the one telling people there is no one size fits all solution.

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And now you're preaching tips and tricks and sexy hacks?

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Really?"

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so I disregarded this episode for a while until I decided " know, what?

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Fuck it" At some point you will have to discuss practical things

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to do, to get a sexyfied life.

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And they are offerings, not a one size fits all solution.

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It's just food for thoughts.

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You're not promising everyone you will solve their problem magically.

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You're offering things that will make a difference.

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You know, my brain can be really messy.

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So here we go.

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And as usual, everything I say is always an invitation, take what

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you need and leave what you don't.

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Let's talk about seven sexy hacks that can make a difference.

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So first the biggest hack ever.

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Self consent.

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Well, that's not really a hack, but it's very important.

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If you want to dive deeper into this concept, you can listen to

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episode five and six of this podcast.

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But if you're not familiar with the concept, simply put, it's to ask inside

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if you truly want something or not.

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And not proceed forward until you haven't got any clear answer.

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For example, before any kind of penetration, ask yourself.

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And when you start for the first time, ask out loud, even if you

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feel silly "Do I really want that?"

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And don't insert anything until you get a yes.

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And yes, it can be frustrating at the beginning, especially when your

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sexual practices have been on some kind of autopilot for a long time.

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You may think you're crazy or ridiculous if you ask yourself

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these questions out loud.

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Trust me.

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You are not, we should all do that.

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What I like to say is, you don't think a baby is ridiculous when

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it tries to say its first words.

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Do you?

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So, what are you going to do to help this baby proceed in language learning?

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You are going to talk louder, articulate.

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You're going to help this baby to go further.

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Same goes for your body.

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The best way to be sure your body hears you, is to ask the question out loud.

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Because, if the infos come through your ears, then your brain cannot interfere

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in the middle saying this isn't true.

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Because you heard it from outside.

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So it has some truth in it.

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In my opinion, there is no way to have a thriving sex life if you don't know from

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inside, if you want something or not.

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This hack is the most important one.

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When you respect yourself and reconnect to your self-consent, then you can

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create healthier relationships, honoring your boundaries and

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following what you really like.

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And that's what building a thriving sex life looks like, in my opinion.

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educate yourself.

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How do you want to access your whole orgasm buffet, if you don't know

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you have it in the first place?

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Or if you wonder why you're not having a climax with penetrations

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and wonder what is wrong with you?

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Remember, you're not broken.

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The game is twisted.

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There is nothing wrong with you.

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You've heard me say many times we are the only species with an organ

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only dedicated to our pleasure.

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So if we don't get in contact, or if we just ignore that part of us that is

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designed to bring us pleasure because we focus more on something else, we

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have no clue about what's pleasurable and what's not so pleasurable.

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Of course, it will be weird.

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Educating yourself around sexuality is very important.

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And not only getting informations about the risks of having a sexual

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practice like pregnancy and STDs.

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I'm a firm activist for a safe sex by empowering people, giving

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them the knowledge they need.

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But I also fight this ambient mess, where we only talk about the risk

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of sexuality and we cut ourselves from any source of pleasure and fun.

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Because sex is supposed to be joyful, enlivening, fun, messy,

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full of sparkle, pleasure and life.

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And yes, you can have that if you want it.

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Even if at the moment, everything feels really far away.

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That's what this podcast is for.

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So, what do I mean by educate yourself?

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Read books.

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Good books.

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How to tell the difference between a good book and a bad book?

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A bad book will give you rules to follow.

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And you don't need me to tell you, at least they don't bring anything really

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useful that sticks in the long run.

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And at most, they bring you another layer of guilt, shame and everything

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else, because you feel you can't do this.

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This is not accessible, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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Choose books that are dedicated to your growth.

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Books that can help you release shame and guilt.

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Books that make you feel good.

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And most of all, that brings you informations and suggestions of

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practices, but nothing that promises you your problem will be solved.

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A book, especially a good book can change your life thanks to

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the info it has inside, thanks to the practices, suggestions.

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But never should it ever claim to have the solution for you?

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At least that's what I believe.

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Sometimes you recognize a good book as well, because it says something different

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from what you can see everywhere else.

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The good book makes you feel good when you read it.

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It doesn't create this heavy weight of To-Do feeling.

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Even if it can have practice suggestions.

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If you want some resources of good books, at least in my opinion, I will offer

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some suggestions in the show notes.

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It's the same for books or any media content dedicated to

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change the ambient narrative.

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Educate yourself with good material.

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And share with others.

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Ask questions.

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What's your favorite book about this and you recommendation, you can give me.

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Why did you love that book?

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How did it go?

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What do you think about it?

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The more you will get some information about how your body works, about the

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possibilities you have, the more you will consume content dedicated to help you feel

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good and uplifting you, the more you will know yourself, the more you can create

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a sex life looks like what you want.

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So let's recap.

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self consent.

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education.

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practice.

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You can't be a professional violinist, if you have never touched a violin before.

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Even if you have crafted your skills in your mind, have studied

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the how-tos for a long time.

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So, if you are unhappy with what your sex life looks like, there is

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a good chance starting to solo play and self-pleasure can help you.

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Major red flag here first.

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Self consent, self-consent, self consent.

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If there is no part in you that has interest in self-pleasuring

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self exploration, self journey.

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There is no need to do anything.

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Just check in with yourself, is it really a question of "I don't care care at all?

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Like zero.

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Or I convinced myself I don't care because I don't have the time, I don't

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feel like I deserve it, it is wrong to do that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

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We can tend to convince ourselves we don't want that, especially

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around sexuality, since it's so heavily charged in our culture.

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And oh surprise, when we can have that for some reason, it can be

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really more appealing all of a sudden.

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So honor yourself first.

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Self-consent.

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Self-consent.

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Self consent.

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If you don't want to solo play play.

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Don't do it.

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If for any reason you want to connect to this type of play, but it fills

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uncomfortable, I know that personally at the beginning, just the idea of

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playing made be nauseous, go slow.

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If at the beginning, the only thing that is accessible is just cupping your vulva

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and breathe for weeks, that's okay.

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Or you can even go slower and do everything in your mind at the

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beginning without touching anything.

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It takes longer to rush, because when you don't honor your self-consent, you

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sign up for trouble in the long run.

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Or in the short run, for that matters.

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Also, let's not forget solo play isn't only masturbation.

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For most of us, it can start only with reconnecting to

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pleasure in all of our senses.

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I have some ideas about that in the ebook, I will link it the show notes, but there

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are a lot of things to practice even before going as deep as masturbation.

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We are designed for pleasure, from so many sources in your life.

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Since you have a pleasure organ, start practicing.

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Always honoring yourself.

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The metaphor I often use for this is about professional athletes.

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I come from a city that has rugby at its heart, so rugby

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playing professional athletes, they don't always practice as a team.

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I'm sure there are.

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I'm sure they have a lot of time they practice by themselves, cross

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training, building muscle, developing other parts of their bodies.

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So for those of us who might think that solo playing is cheating, that sex is

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something that is supposed to be played with only with someone else, I would

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ask you to consider this metaphor.

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You will have better sex in partnership, if you allow yourself to solo play,

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whatever that looks like for you.

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Also be ready when you start solo playing, you reconnect with what you

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truly like and what you truly want.

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And when you have been living on autopilot for a long time or not honoring your

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desires, your boundaries, it's going to create some change around you.

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And changing its messy.

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So.

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Let's be aware of that.

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But, change coming from your truth will feel better in the long run.

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So next time, when you start questioning your solo practice, remember that

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if you want to be a sex athlete, athletes practice alone, too.

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Let's also not forget one thing.

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We haven't discussed yet the idea of safety, how it is the base of

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everything in your life, et cetera.

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It requires definitely an episode by itself.

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But quickly said, allowing yourself to experience pleasure,

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whatever form it takes helps you reconnect to your true nature.

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The one with the pleasure organ.

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Yes, I know I'm a broken record.

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So when you reconnect to that, to this deep nature and you stop pretending

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to be something that you are not: like a robot that doesn't deserve

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to experience pleasure, or be happy to be alive, because you have a

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shit ton of things to do, people to take care of blah blah blah blah...

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you reconnect to your base.

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You reconnect to your safety.

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And also, if you have pretended to be someone you are not

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for a long time, I see you.

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I feel you, it sucks.

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And change feels pretty scary.

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We've all been there.

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And if you want to get out of it, you can, on your own pace.

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That being said, when you reconnect to your base and to your

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safety, you feel more grounded.

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And being more grounded is a good idea to have a life that feels sexy to live.

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Because when you're grounded, you create something that is yours.

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Because self-pleasure helps you figure out what feels good in your body, you

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can start playing with pace and rhythm.

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This is the fourth hack, slow down the rhythm.

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It's only when you slow down that you can truly explore what

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feels good and stay curious.

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When things are going fast and not consciously, we tend to get

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into our heads really quickly.

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And then we start thinking about something else like the kids, the

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fridge, the boss, or whatever.

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Slowing down, prevents your brain to get into the "got it, same as

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usual, not interested, bye" mode.

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Slowing down helps you stay present.

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Of course, sometimes you just want a quick orgasm, because you want

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your climax to help you feel good.

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And that's great.

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But, be sure to balance this practice with slowing down as well.

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Also because, when you slow down, you have more space to honor the self

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consent that you need to really have the time to listen to the answer inside.

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When you slow down, you offer yourself the possibility to discover something new.

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A new way of touching.

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An intensity.

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A pressure.

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A temperature.

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A texture.

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These details are not accessible when you are in full speed mode.

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Also don't get me wrong.

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Sometimes you do want to get your full speed mode so that you can feel good.

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And that's great too.

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Check with yourself.

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And try the balance.

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" So, okay, understood, I'll slow down when I'll solo play.

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But how about when I'm not solo?

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Cause you know, I tried to explain to slow down and it's not working"

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If you're playing with people that have a different type of genitalia than yours,

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or maybe the same for that matters, it can be really frustrating to be in

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your pleasure, and then your partner hears your climax is coming and changes

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the rhythm suddenly and speeds up.

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And you lose everything.

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Because that's what they do when their climax is coming.

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And, I read something in a good book once.

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That would be tell this person, this: "whatever you want to do

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at the moment, do the opposite.

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You want to speed up?

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Slow down, unless I ask you to speed up.

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You want to go straight to my breasts or my genitals?

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Go everywhere else until you hear me say "I want you to touch me there".

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Whatever you want to do, do the opposite".

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Let's be honest, there's a good chance you will have to say this

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several times, but when this person honors it, it works wonders.

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So just a quick recap.

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self consent.

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sex education.

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solo play.

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slowing down.

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breathe.

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Breathing is the best way to slow down and explore in a

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conscious and pleasureful way.

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"Hey, thank you.

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Talk about a hack.

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I'm always breathing."

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My question is " Are you?

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Really?

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Many of us are stuck in holding our breath or not breathing deep enough

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when we play, whether it's solo or not.

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We tend to shorten our breath, or hold it when we feel the orgasm coming.

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Next time, focus on your breath when you feel the pleasure coming.

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Your orgasm might be different than usual.

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And that's expected, since you're doing things differently because

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you're not holding your breath.

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When you feel you start to tense.

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Breathe.

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When you feel the climax coming, breathe.

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When you feel you are getting in your head, breathe.

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It's such a powerful tool.

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After all, isn't it the base of every type of meditation to focus on the breath.

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Well, some would say sex is the most playful form and active form

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of meditation, which I agree with.

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And that's from the power of the breath and the energy that

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are moving in that moment.

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So when you feel you're getting into your head, slow down and breathe.

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And again.

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And again.

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When you feel you are getting overwhelmed with what's coming, breathe deeply.

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And you could be surprised by how your sexual experiences might change

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drastically, if you just think about breathing while you are doing things.

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Suddenly many more sensations are available.

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Many types of pleasure, of things that were not there before.

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And that's totally expected since you are reconnecting to, actually,

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what is keeping you alive.

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Your breath.

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This is one of the most useful, yet simple tool.

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I didn't say the hacks I was going to give you were like super complex things.

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Usually that's not the definition of a hack, if you ask me.

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Okay, so I gave you many hack concepts here.

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Like self consent, education, solo play, slow down, breathe.

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Can I have more practical hacks?

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Please?

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Of course.

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And one of the best thing that works, is to change the flavors.

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Choose new tools.

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Try to find something new.

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You love playing with your hand, try with a toy.

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You have your favorite toy?

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Why not try something new, maybe a new type of toy.

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Or a different type of material, from Silicon to glass, or from vibrator to

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not vibrator, play with temperature.

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And everything.

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We are human.

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We love variety.

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So, I guess now would be the time to tell you why glass

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toys are one of my favorites.

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As a uni egg or a dildo or a butt plug or anything else.

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First, hygiene.

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Your silicone toy might require specific cleansing product,

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for example, or anything.

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Whereas glass is the most hygienic of all, because you can

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sterilize it in boiling water.

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And also, with glass, you can play with temperature.

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I wouldn't advise you to put your vibrator in the fridge or in hot

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water, not sure how it would work out.

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But on a personal note.

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But you can do that with a glass toy.

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On a very personal note, I really think glass toys are

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beautiful objects to look at.

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I do want to say that a friend of mine has her glass dildo as

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a decoration in her living room.

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I'm not ready to do that yet.

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But, a glass toy can have really a feeling of special artistic, elegant,

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and precious feeling, that personally I don't get from silicone toys.

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Then again, maybe it's just me.

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Also, of course they are made of borosilicate glass, which is a type

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of glass that is made for that usage.

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So, no risk of having it explode or whatever.

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We are all humans.

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So we need some variety at some point.

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So do yourself a favor, and play with this.

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Change the tool, change the time, change the ambience, change the

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music, the scenery, change everything.

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Change the flavors, the possibilities are endless.

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The more you play with them, the more ideas you will have to play with.

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Honor yourself and change the flavors.

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Although, honor yourself if you want something that is as good as usual also.

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Remember.

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Self consent.

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Our last hack is not very conceptual, but very, very, very practical and simple.

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Use lube.

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Or oil.

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I wouldn't say all the time, but almost all the time.

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Why ? Because it only has advantages.

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First, things will play more easily, if there is enough lubrication for things

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to go smoothly and slide smoothly.

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And the more the merrier.

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Some people tend to have a great natural lubrication and that's amazing.

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But for many of us, especially when we have been in an Unsexy sex

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life for a long time with lack of self consent, desire, et cetera.

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That's not really the case.

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It's like a car that has been in a garage for a while and it

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needs some oil to work perfectly.

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You can all go on the highway right away.

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That's not a really sexy metaphor.

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I'm sorry, but we have a saying in French that says appetite

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comes when you are eating.

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Same goes for your sexual functioning.

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If you use enough lube, things will become more pleasurable.

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So you will want more, so your body will reactivate the pleasure

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making circle, et cetera.

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And so you will get more lubrication everything.

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Add hormonal balance, take care of yourself, digest your

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conditioning, you're in for a treat.

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So use lube.

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I do want to address something right away.

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There is this poisonous thought around us.

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"I shouldn't need any lube, because if I'm not lubricated enough,

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then, that means I'm not ready".

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That's false.

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With your feet, you can walk on any surface, but " if I cannot walk on

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sharp rocks barefoot, then that means there is a problem with my feet.?"

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of course, it's not.

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Using shoes doesn't mean there's something wrong with your feet.

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Same goes for lube.

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Using lubes means nothing about your level of being ready,

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of being normal, or anything.

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And so many issues can be caused by not enough lubrication, especially pain.

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Start with using mole lube almost all the times, and I promised you a lot

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of things can improve very quickly.

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And also, let's not forget.

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Lack of lubrication can cause condom tearing.

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So be extra safe and comfortable.

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And use lube.

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How to choose it?

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If you want to play with condoms or silicone toys, water-based lube.

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If you play with glass toy, or with your hands only, you can go

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silicone lube, it slides better.

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Some people offer to use oils because it's more natural.

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Personally, I think it's better to use neutral water based lube, when

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you get into touching yourself and keep the oil for the external massage.

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Because the water lube can go with condoms or without, whereas it can

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be really easy to get into a, " let me grab the oil I use all the time.

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Oh crap.

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We're using condoms.

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What did I put that bottle of lube again, where are you?

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Where are you?

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Where are you?"

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and the mood is gone.

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We could argue that oil is more quote, unquote, "natural".

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I'm not so sure, depending on where , how things have been cultivated

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and processed since it's food.

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It might not be as regulated as cosmetics..

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Even if in cosmetics, there is a good chance there are more chemicals in it.

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So my advice would be to choose a lube that fits you and stick to it

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and find the most natural possible.

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But you do you, honor yourself.

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In your sex life, your lube is your best friend.

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And usually what happens after two or three use is "oh my God.

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Why didn't I try that sooner?"

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So do yourself a favor, use it now and tell your friends it's amazing.

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And no, I don't have any shares in any lube society or whatever.

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Although I should consider it.

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Just kidding.

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So there you have them, my friends, the seven sexy hacks

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that will make a difference.

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You start with self consent.

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You educate yourself.

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You allow yourself to solo play, honoring your self-consent.

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And you allow yourself to slow down and to breathe.

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So that you can start playing and enjoying the many flavors available.

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Play with them as much as you can, and also play with your very useful

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bottle of lube, your new best friend.

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With all of these hacks, and yes, even if they seem simple, they can really

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be transformative, no need to go full complicated to improve and feel better.

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With them, you can slowly start to build the thriving sex

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that looks like what you want.

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If you found this episode interesting, please feel free

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to share it with a loved one.

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If you want to support the show, consider subscribing to the podcast on your

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favorite platform and writing a review.

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On spotify click on the star rating.

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And on apple podcasts, click on the star rating and click on "write a review".

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This is the best way to help this podcast reach the people who need

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to hear they're not broken and they deserve a life that feels sexy too.

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If you want to dive deeper, I have my free eBooks in the show notes available,

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it's called Essence reconnect to your body to reclaim the pleasure, to feel alive.

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And if you want to stay in touch, you can join me on Instagram @withdoctorfanny

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or subscribe to my love letters.

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The link is in the show notes as well.

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Thank you so much for sharing your valuable time and energy with