17. Sexifying my own life : building a coaching business

Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode, if you're new here, welcome and if you're not, thank you for coming back. Today's episode feels really scary to record. Because talking about your own life and story is never easy. And also because a part of me is like, "Do you think people care about hearing the mess of building your coaching business? Your podcast is called Your Sexyfied Life, remember? ". But I noticed how what I am going through at the moment can actually apply to other people, when they are stepping up to create the thriving sex and fulfilling life they want. So we're going to talk about business, and at the same time, see how it can actually relate to your own life too. And another great thing about having a baby podcast is that we are such a small family. I'm sure I personally know many of you. It feels less scary to be vulnerable. And, you know, apparently magic happens when you get vulnerable. So let's create some magic. 


Many of you know this already, but I am a self love and pleasure coach and, as well, a French family doctor practicing gynecology on a daily basis. So, if you ask me to be a good student, I know how to do that. And if you asked me when I was a resident, what I was going to do after med school, never would I have ever thought "You know what 10 years of studying is boring and not enough. Let's add another one year, on a totally different topic, way of thinking and way of healing. You're ready?" 


So I have finished my extensive coaching training last December. We talk about 650 hours coaching certifications with tons of demos, practices and reviews, et cetera. I had my practice clients. Some wanted to continue, some didn't. And then I hit a wall. Or simply put, I totally messed up with everything. I ddin't answer to emails and DMS. I messed up with my Calendly. Yes. I had excuses like an acute health issues. But if I actually really look in the mirror and be honest with myself... no, that's not the only thing that is going on. And I started to do some self inquiry. I got explanations, answers, excuses. And one day, I got a reality check from my sassy wise zero bullshit voice "Tell yourself all the excuses in the world, you want the hard truth? The core? You're scared. You're terrified. Period. You can explain, try to understand, convince yourself it's a question of blah, blah, . Face it, you're just afraid of having clients". 


I'm going to be honest here. I didn't like that thought at first. Like: "Not true. It's because I need some optimization. It's because I have a DIY business where I do everything myself. It's because I'm only scared of social media. It's because nobody cares about what I do. It's because, it's because, it's because, it's because..." 


The only problem with my sassy voice? I know she's right. And I can't tell myself she's not. She is. And let me tell you, it's really useful, and also it sucks... because I have no way to hide from that. So I started to do some digging. And what I found makes no logical sense, but is very wise and interesting. After all it comes from my sassy voice. And I wanted to share it with you. 





04:24 Being chosen 


So, okay. Now I'm scared. But why? Many reasons. First, having people choose me for real, feels scary as fuck. Don't get me wrong. As a family doctor, my patients choose me. But they always get their money back from social security or their private insurance. So they choose me, but they are not really spending their money on me, since they get it back. 


So having people actually pay me, spending their precious and well earned money on me is new. And feels pretty scary. Meaning people would trust me enough? Really? What if I mess up? What if they want it back if I don't provide something up to what they expected from our time together? I know that wouldn't happen because I know what I can bring to people. But still, this is a thought that is going on in my head. If you remember the SM dungeon, many people have a lot of things to say around this. And even if I know what to do with the SM in my head, sometimes they yell really loud. And I really have to focus to actually not forget all my own advice... but there is always a voice there that says "I am unworthy of people's money and energy. That I should do that for free. That putting myself out there, and owning my services are worth investing in. You're just getting ahead of yourself. Who do you think you are? " 


That feels like a new and big responsibility to my nervous system. When you are used to being service without people actually spending their money and energy on you, switching to "I am in service, but I deserve money for that." Feels pretty threatening to a nervous system. At least to mine. 


I would like to invite you to consider the same thought, whether it's about choosing to reclaim the thriving sex you deserve, the fulfilling life you want, or the feeling whole you crave. Take Thriving sex for example. In our society, we get constant injunctions of what things are supposed to be, how many times a month are you supposed to quote on quote "do it", what an orgasm is supposed to look like, preferably yelling "yes. Yes. Yes." Like in a bad porn movie. Or unsolicited opinions on how we look, et cetera. When you decide to say "fuck it I'm enough and I get to do whatever I want". It feels pretty threatening in a nervous system too. Because you're basically changing your whole narrative. You're taking what you have done until now, and decide to flip it over 180 degrees. So, of course your nervous system feel threatened. Talk about a big jump into the unknown. And let's face it. There are very few of us that are ready to jump into the unknown, singing our hearts out like Elsa in frozen two. For most of us, it would be more like "into the unknown with a cell phone, food for days, the informations about animals around, a bag of medication, a GPS and everything". Talk about unknown... do you see where I'm going with this? 


As usual, it comes back to safety. Yes, I am a broken record. Yes, it sucks. And yes, I'm not being original. Trusting yourself. Getting in contact with your resources so that you can face whatever comes your way. Knowing that you can ask for help if you need. And change, as in building something totally new, is easier when you feel strong enough. No wonder we feel threatened when we try to change something. Whether it's in your sex life or in business. 





08:33 Owning I want things to be different 


You know, what's another source of nervous system threatening, when switching from an identity to another? To do that, and become actually a self love and pleasure coach, I need to own that I want things to be different for me. That I will have a practice different from other people. That no, I don't want to be a family doctor sending people to specialists, renewing prescriptions, and seeing winter viruses because people need a sick leave for a few days. I am well aware that, as a doctor, you create your own practice, you get the patients you deserve, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yes, every doctor is different. And you can match with someone and not match with someone else. But if a patient doesn't match with me, they just don't come back. It has very little impact on my nervous system. 


It's really easy to say you want things to be different, to wish things would be different. and to be actually out there and create something different. To show up and meet the doubts, the fears, the threats... Messing up. I remember being a resident and saying I wanted to do things differently. Easy to criticize when you have your salary as a resident in your life is going on such an autopilot, that you don't have time to question what you are doing. Whereas when residency ended... Now what? Now you have the time to do something different. Now is the time. If you want to do it, that's now. Oh, you thought that would be comfortable? Nope. 


The same goes for creating a fulfilling life. It's easy to fantasize about creating something new, and wanting to find something that helps you feel whole. More than actually showing up, taking action, owning that whatever is going on, some things will have to stop, things will have to change. It's way easier to stay in this uncomfortable comfort zone, than showing up and building something. And there is nothing wrong with that. Well, there is but, all of us go through that. There's no judgment in what I say, because this is very common myself included. 


If I own that, I want things to be different. I also own people might not give a fuck. And that will have some kind of impact on me. No discovery calls, no clients, et cetera. Sometimes people just don't give a fuck about which doctor, they see because they just need a sick leave because they have the flu. So you see people, you see patients, whether they care or not. Whereas, as a coach, if people actually don't care, then I won't see them. So I won't have a coaching activity. I will have thrown right into my face if people care or not. And let's face it, this is really scary. Nobody likes feeling nobody cares about you and your work. So what to do? At least if I don't have clients, because I'm afraid of having clients and I am self sabotaging myself, then of course I will feel bad. But that's on me, so I can make myself feel bad about it. It's not because actually no one cares. It's because I'm not showing up. And because I'm messing up. It hurts too, but it feels more tolerable in my nervous system to feel bad because I did something bad, than to feel bad because nobody gives a fuck about what I do. And I know it's crazy, because a lot of people want to understand what they can do to actually create the thriving sex, fulfilling life, and feeling whole they crave. So it's not that it wouldn't interest anyone. It's just that it feels so threatening in my nervous system. 





12:45 Belonging 


More than that. If I own that, I want things to be different, to have a different practice, I will also face comments from my peers about what I do, about my prices. I also face denial, like "so you're just like a psychologist now?". Especially in France where the coaching culture is almost non-existent apart from fitness coaching. 


I could say, I don't care about people's opinion. I usually don't, but sometimes I do. And somehow, I really do care if they're my peers. And I wish I didn't. Especially about what they say since I know it's not going to help me. But when you've been trained to get validation from your peers all the time, the teachers, the head of the department, et cetera. It can be pretty challenging. 


I'm not saying that I'm unique in no way. That's what happens to all of us when we decide to change and let go of the good girl syndrome. Everybody starts wondering around you, "What is going on with you?" because you're not who you used to be. 


Yes. That's the point. I was miserable there. And even if it happens to everyone, it still feels scary and uncomfortable in your system. Just like when you decide to own, you deserve a fulfilling life and that this autopilot you're living has lasted long enough. It can feel pretty scary to have people around you, maybe your intimate loved ones, or your family... with these people wondering what is wrong with you? Since you have changed so much. It can already feel threatening to change . Add to that, the total absence of support and even questions reinforcing your doubts. Of course, it's going to feel threatening in your nervous system. 


So, of course I'm scared of having clients. And if I'm getting clients that makes me an established coach. And the truth is a part of me is really happy to be of service, to be a part of a community that is dedicated to help people heal and feel better. And have a life that feels more aligned with who they truly are. And an other part of me isn't happy to be part of this community. Why? Because I will join a non-regulated industry when someone can proclaim they are a coach after two days of training or no training at all. Or even worse, people not being aware there is a big difference between a healthcare professional and a coach, trying to manage what they are not trained for. Can we talk about the trauma release? Are people forgetting the basic rule of the healer: first, never harm? People so attached to being specialized in something, so they specialize in seven different things. Please. A part of me doesn't want to be associated with this industry, with these people. So, of course I'm afraid of whatever would establish me as part of this work. Like getting clients. And, just to make things perfectly clear, most of coaches out there are very well-trained, are in service of their coachees, and provide amazing results. But you know, you never talk about trains that are on time. So my nervous system actually chooses to focus on the other ones. Yes, it sucks. 


Same goes with owning your sexuality. You we've been taught someone who loves sex is an nymphomaniac, a slut, not trustworthy or whatever bullshit. Or it's okay to love sex, but only in a certain context, usually a privileged partnership, monogamous, straight partnership with certain types of practices. All of these judgments around us and our sexuality, it takes work to deconstruct all of that. And even if we do a lot of deconstructions, for many of us we do have to stay vigilant because nasty stuff can come up in blinding spots. Personally, I got a reality check about how giving someone a compliment about how younger than their age they look, can be considered ageism. As if it's better to look young and getting old is a problem, less valuable. And usually can be sexist as well, because that's often something that is told to women and not men. So yeah, it can feel threatening to our system because if we want that, a part of us is still scared to be associated with "these people. So we would be rejected and unloved by our loved ones. And if there is a slight chance, we wouldn't feel loved and rejected, we're going to have trouble owning our sexual power. That's how it is. And that's usual. It's sad that it's usual, but that's usual. There's nothing wrong with you. 





18:15 Creating something brand new 


There is also something else. I know I am a healer in my soul. And me owning my power as a coach is owning how I am actually able to heal in a different way than what I learned. No wonder my nervous system feels uneasy with this. "You know what? You studied really hard to do something. How about you just throw everything away? " of course, I know I am not. And I will always be a doctor in my soul. And at the same time, it kind of feels like it, because all of my basics are not useful in a coaching context. I don't physically examine people, for example. Like no listening to hearts or looking at ears or anything. I have no medication to prescribe. And truth to be told, that feels pretty scary too. Everything that was building my safety, how to do my job, isn't useful in what I want to create, in this coaching business. Maybe in the future, I don't know, but not now. So, of course I feel threatened. And if I get clients, then my nervous system gets a confirmation of everything I have been doing for a long time being not useful. Even if that's not really the case, it's just a feeling. So, of course I'm afraid of having clients, it's basically unvalidating everything that I've been doing until now. 


Let's also not forget one thing. There are no guidelines as a coach, nothing to follow. Well, of course we are trained, but as a doctor, I have guidelines. I know what to prescribe depending on what I suspect. I know this thread feels more or less probable depending on what I found when I examine my patient. Whereas as a coach, there are no guidelines. Well, there kind of are, but... most of the time, it's really a new way of thinking for me. Trusting that I will find what's useful in the moment to be in best service for my coachee. And let's face it, it's way more scary, than having my guidelines as a backup. 


Same goes for when you start reclaiming your sexual power and your pleasure. Following your impulses. Slowing down. Accepting to stay patient and not push forward if your self consent says "no, I don't want any type of penetration today". As I usually say, the best practice is the one where you honor what you feel, even if you feel nothing and don't do anything, more than the one where you do what you are, quote on quote "supposed to do". 


So when you start owning your sexual power, you start to own the fact there are no guidelines, and that you are sovereign and that you are responsible of your experience. And all of this is just a field for you to explore, a big playground where the rules can be helpful and sometimes can be harmful. You will have sometimes things that feel good and sometimes they won't. And that's beautiful, and also really frustrating. Because let's face it, our brains love the "I do X, I get Y results". Brain definitely loves being certain of things. Because they can stop paying attention. That's how we are built and that sucks, but that's how it is. The only thing we can do is be aware of that. And catch ourselves. 





22:06 What to do with that 


If you know me, I hate just exposing things and not provide any type of threads that you could explore. And truth to be told, around this, I'm still in the process, because if I had overcome it then. I wouldn't be afraid of having clients. But what I figured out is two things. First, teach my nervous system, that it is safe to take up space. That the world isn't going to crumble, if I show up and talk about what is really going on and what I have to offer. And also acknowledged that most of the time, nobody cares, because people are way busy living their own lives. Showing up taking space. And also noticed that, it's not because I take space. That people will stop loving me or will reject me. That's especially going on on social media. How many of us are looking at someone shamelessly promoting themselves and their amazing work? And whatever we think we are still looking. So confronting myself, doing self-soothing, and creating, and reconnecting to my own safety, as much as I need. 


Second, complete all the stress cycles that taking up space brings up. Dancing, crying, running, feeling the fear and curve in a little ball as small as I can, just so that I can feel it, breathe into it, and release it. Knowing that this is just an emotion and I am not really in danger. That this is the result of decades of personal history, social conditioning, and a whole other lot of crap. And third, most of all, focus on pleasure. I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's not easy, and I'm not really ready for a whole existential kink session with my terror of having clients. But, it can start with just eating a piece of chocolate before writing an episode with an open heart. Well, now that I think of it, I always write my episodes with an open heart. So I do eat a lot of chocolate. 


And maybe, most of all, learning to be okay with what I'm going through. Get some kind of compassion. Not saying that sometimes I don't need a semi-gentle push of "now is the time to do things and stop giving yourself excuses". But also knowing that I can be nice to myself. And I can still work and accomplish something. That I don't have to suffer to success or do something. Besides, who would want to work with a coach to help them feel whole, if that coach feels miserable and is rejecting herself so much? I'm not really sure I believe in "you attract the clients that are the right fit for you" But what I know is how feeling bad and spiraling in my head is neither sexy nor appealing. And if I do that, what a great way to repeal clients. Woohoo. 


It is usually said, starting a business is the highway to a more self studied version of you. Because all of your shit will blow up in your face one after another. And I definitely think it's true. But... In a sense, isn't that sexy? Not saying sexy in an arousal creating way, 


or maybe if you want to go existential kink. But sexy in a "I want to feel it all" way. And in my opinion, that's a definition of a sexyfied life, a life where you can feel it all. So that you can start feeling truly alive and oh, surprise, a sexyfied life can make you feel like shit too. What I do know is, if I am allowing myself to stay into ugly sexiness, then that means I am truly showing up. I'm ready to experience it all. So that means I'm stepping up to sexify my life. So, hi, I'm Fanny, a French family, doctor and self-love and pleasure coach, who at the moment is afraid to get clients. But I'm working on that. One day after another. Thank you for being here and being part of this journey. 


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If you want to learn more about what I do you will find all the info's in the show notes. And if you want to start, I would invite you to download my free ebook. It's called essence, awaken your body to reclaim the pleasure to feel alive. It's filled with good stuff that I can't wait to share with you. Thank you so much for sharing your valuable time and energy with me. And I'll see you in our next episode.