18. Is your sexuality stuck in "paint by numbers" mode ?

Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode. If you're new here, welcome. And if you're not, thank you for coming back. Thank you all for sharing your valuable time with me, I appreciate. And today I'm coming up with another metaphor. Because why not? 


So, you know, I'm always a fan of empowering people to create their own journey, their own stories and show up as themselves. And that I fight one size fits all recipes because I'm convinced they can be useful, but in no way, the solution we're looking for when we are facing something. And what I would invite you to do is to envision your sexuality as a painting. And you as a painter. If you want to be a painter wearing a painting suit with all colors everywhere, as sexy as you want, please feel free to do so. And if you consider a painting, there are a lot of things going on to create the image you want to paint: the tools you're going to use, the types of colors and the pictures you want to create. And the beauty of having your own painting, it's just beautiful as it is. Your painting can be messy, or neat, with bright colors or dark colors, representing something precise, or just your soul playing wild. No painting is better than the other. The only question: is are you painting something You want to paint ?Let's dive in 


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First let's focus on how to paint. Usually when you paint something, there are many types of paintings, but you can choose if you want to paint, really paint or you can go paint by numbers. And to be clear, no solution is better than the other. We just need to be aware that if we want to follow our paint by numbers, we might not have as much freedom as a painting that you would do yourself. 


And if you want to stay in paint by numbers, that's great. And I also would like to invite you to ask yourself, if this is what you truly want. Because so many of us convince ourselves, we want the results of paint by numbers. As in a very clear and neat, and well-defined thing. And also because, the picture you get from it, is what you are supposed to like or what your sexuality is supposed to look like. And when we take the time to really ask inside "Do I really want that?" When we courageously give ourselves the time to listen inside, because let's be honest saying out "I want that" without questioning it is easier. It sucks, but it's easier. So when we give ourselves this time. we may hear something else. Or not if painting by numbers is truly your damn that's beautiful too. Just, you know, be sure to do some self inquiry. 


I would even go further. Every time we try to fix ourselves with quick fix solutions. We are getting in paint by numbers mode. And don't get me wrong, sometimes we might need it at some point, because we have no idea how to paint something we want, or because we're tired of trying and not succeeding. 


But the most important thing is to be conscious of this, just so that we don't stay in pain by numbers mode, if that's not what we want for our whole pictures. Sometimes we might need help from others. Just having numbers for a moment to know how to create something or to get back on track. And that's perfectly okay. There is nothing wrong with that. Just remember to stay conscious of what you are doing, just so that you don't get caught in creating a whole painting with numbers if that's not your wish. 


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There is also a question of how often you practice. If you don't paint for a long moment, your painting will get dusty. That's the way it is. And if you are truly okay with that, as not having any sexual type of practices or painting in a long time, that's okay. Take as much time as you want. Your painting will always be here for you, if you want to paint again. 


Because let's face it, after you just gave birth for example, the maybe the least thing you want to do is start painting again right away. Or maybe not, no rules. There is also the possibility you might actually give zero fuck about your painting. If you are asexual, for example. 


But for most of us, there is this crappy belief going around, how your painting is supposed to be more dusty, the more mature you get. You know, "menopause women don't have sex anymore or whatever". Or how your colors are supposed to dry and there's nothing you can do about it. You're doomed. Remember that is false, you can use lube that works perfectly. So if you're okay with not painting, be sure that's because you're truly okay with that. And not because you're not in a partnership. Because you think the color you want to use is ugly, or nobody uses it, because your hand feels clumsy or any other excuses. 


And let's be real here too. It's way easier to hire ourselves behind these excuses. Then owning we would actually want to practice more. But we don't know how to do it. Or we have been told we cannot paint on our own. Please who would like an atelier filled with people all the time, like no time with yourself. At least for me, it's a creativity killer. And as usual no judgment, we've all been there. If you are aware this, this is already a really big step. 


The more you practice your crafting and painting skills, the more your hand will be sure and precise. And let's be clear, you may be perfectly happy with a hand that isn't precise or defined, because you like big splashes of colors on your painting and playing wild, and that's perfectly okay. 


Some of us will like something structured and some will not. If you truly love structure, just check in with yourself is it really true and you're not following what you are, quote unquote, supposed to do. And if that's your jam, go for it. No version is better than the other. The worst thing that can happen to you is convincing yourself you are supposed to paint something wild if you love precision in details. Or if you paint something precise, if you love to play wild. 


That's also the case in your sexuality. If you want to explore, because deep down, when you feel you're polyamorous, you're going to be miserable in a monogamous partnership. Whereas, if you are truly a monogamous person at heart, exploring being polyamorous, just to, you know "Make the other person happy" or whatever... you're going to be miserable too. Once again, the best practice is the one where you honor yourself more than the one where you do what you are, quote on quote, " supposed to do". 


No type of painting is better than the other. Society might tell us otherwise. But that's not the case. And our job is to be courageous and own that we want our personal painting to look the way we want and say f*** it. 


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If you want to create a painting that brings emotions, at some point you will need to study techniques, tips, and tricks. Even geniuses, like Picasso, had to learn and start somewhere before deconstructing. If you want, for example, to darken a color with a little shade, you will have to learn how to paint a shade. Or you will have to learn that you need blue and yellow to create some green. . So at some point, if you want a sex life that looks like what YOU want, you will have to self study and learn techniques to paint, or in your sex practices. How would you expect to be a painter, if you didn't learn some ? , you would need to learn to draw a sketch, paint, colors, readjust, enhancing features. Just like your self-studying is endless as well: solo play healing touch, gentle or passionate pleasure, clitoris play, g-spot play, et cetera. 
Just like the many techniques available if you want to create a painting, if you want a thriving sex life, there is so much to explore. And you will need to explore at some point. 


We could even go further with this metaphor. You are also going to play with blue and yellow to create green. You can understand the concept and visualize. But, if you haven't mixed blue and yellow, you won't know what green looks like. You need to practice and actually do something to get the results. 


Same goes for the painting itself, by the way. You can visualize a beautiful painting, but at some point, if you want to hang it out in your living room, you will need to paint it. So, yeah... you will need some sexual self studying in terms of educating yourself, of course. Remember, this is one of the sexy hacks of episode 16. 
But also some practice sessions... to rebuild the mind and body connection if you have the numb for a long time. Sometimes, considering this metaphor. Helps release the guilt we can have. Thanks society and patriarchy, around exploration and wanting things for ourselves. How can I paint if I don't know how to paint and have never practiced before? 


Uh, wait a second. Didn't you just say earlier that using a solution is going on "paint by numbers" mode? Yes. And... I would invite all of us to make a difference between miracle solutions and trying to learn how to paint by practicing, messing up and trying again. 


The main difference in my opinion is how one is empowering you and helping you to go where you want to go, whereas the other has this "sign up and your problems will magically disappear" or "do that X time a day for X amount of time and you will be totally cured". 


We're all humans and our brains love easy solutions. But our job is to be aware of that. And choose to get back in painting mode, when the paint by numbers is waiting around the corner. And let's be honest, that sucks. And we need to be aware of that. I can share with you how self-pleasure is a game changer, the techniques you can use, the benefits of doing it this way or that way. But I am not handing over to you a well-crafted and well-marketed solution to your problems "Here's what you have been doing wrong and here's how to change it". I hate that. 


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One last thing about how to paint after choosing your type of painting, how often you want to practice and what type of practice do you want? Let's discuss who you allow in your atelier. 


There are many types of people around us, but I would say you can find two extremes. First, the one that is constantly criticizing your painting. Saying... you should have applied this collar with this tool instead of this one. And these colors, they don't go well together. And this pattern you choose it's so different. And so unusual. How could you like it? blablabla... 


Or giving you advice on how to do things without asking. Or bringing unsolicited opinions all the time. If you have people like this in your life, we all do, I would invite you to think twice if they are helping you or not. And also, if you are stuck with someone not helping reach out for help, there is always a solution to get out of this. Even if the situation feels messy or helpless at the moment. 


Or you can have people who are genuinely curious about your techniques, about what you want to paint, and how you feel about your painting at the moment... you can have people open for discussion, not giving you advice or having unsolicited opinions. People you feel safe enough with to discuss all of that. Share experiences, get tips and techniques, exchange point of views. In my totally unbiased opinions, way better guests. 


You get to choose who you invites to your atelier. How much time you want to spend with these people? Do you want to spend your time with someone who's open to explore, talk, honor their boundaries and yours? Someone who's stepping up in creating something great together, even if it's just for one night. Or do you want to spend time with someone who denies your desires, who unvalidates them, who's trying to change them. Only you have the answer. 


And also sometimes you will have to spend some time with an unpleasant person, like an art critic that comes to every gallery in town. You can choose how much time you want to give to this person. And most of all, how much credit you want to give to this person's opinion? And let's not forget some people, when we are in the seduction play feel really open and honoring boundaries. And then when you get into the nitty gritty, then they become the art critic with unsolicited opinion and you couldn't see it. That happens to all of us. But as usual, you get to choose. You are the real sovereign of your life and your sexuality, you choose who you want to have sexual practices with, if you want to do it in a partnership. 


So quick recap first, choose how you want to paint: paint by numbers or full paint learning. Then choose how often you want to practice and what type of practice would be the most helpful and pleasurable. And third choose who you want as a guest in your atelier. Now let's talk about what you are going to paint. 


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The first question I would invite you to ask yourself: "What do you want to paint?" Really? 


Go inside and check-in. What do I truly want to paint? And wait for an answer. Society, people around us may say we should paint a tree. But if you truly want to paint a beach you can try to paint a tree your whole life and feel miserable. Or choose to paint a beach with courage and determination. Because people will say a tree is better, that's how it's supposed to be done, that beaches are ugly or old, or there is something wrong with you if you want to paint a beach... so resisting that and staying in your truth is something you truly need to want. 


And also, if you show up and start painting your beach, you might discover other people liking to paint beaches along the way. I see this as resisting the mold we are told. The norm of being in a nuclear family and a straight monogamous partnership. Sorry, not sorry. Many of us are beaches person. . We definitely have more progress to do around creating safe spaces for people belonging, to LGBTQ plus communities to live their best life. But if that metaphor can help you ease a little bit and help you remember how you are allowed to paint something that you really want, feel free to use it as your lucky charm. 


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My next question is about what brings you more emotions when you look at a painting and a museum? Is it something that perfectly replicates reality? Or something where you can feel the soul of the artist, even if it's not perfectly matching reality. Or not even being real at all. 
The perfectly realistic painting might not be what brings emotions to us, even if it can be. Maybe more, something that will create admiration, like "wow! Look at that perfect picture". As I usually say, look at what we do when we see a perfect picture in a magazine, like an ad or something. 
If the seller is lucky, you take one quick glance before turning the page, and that is very rare. When we see a perfect picture, we usually just turn the page. Whereas, a picture with things to look at: particularities, a soul... this picture, you will take some time to look at it, to enjoy it. Same goes for the painting. a perfectly similar to the model, so usually to the tree, is less interesting to look at. 


Can you imagine the double or even triple pain? It's not something you even wanted to paint. You spend so much time and energy on it. And in the end, it doesn't create anything in terms of emotions inside of you. What a waste of energy. Save it and paint the beautiful mountain you want, or the beach, or anything that you want with all the imperfections, splashes and aliveness... 


In the end... what do you want? A perfect picture or something that is yours and reflects who you are. A sexuality that looks like everyone else's, or even worse, that looks like what society tells us a normal sexuality is... Or, your own playground to explore, to reconnect to yourself, and to reclaim the pleasure of being truly alive. Only you can answer this question. 


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We could even go a step further. Trying to replicate something perfectly puts us into a "student mode". Tell me what to do, how to do it, what can I do to make this painting the prettiest and the most perfect painting. That's a different type of posture than the artist mode. 


An artist might love to discuss techniques, improvings, ideas, concepts... but maybe with people wanting to transmit their wisdom, discuss and analyze together. Not with people having opinions of how things are supposed to be done, and if you're not doing it the right way, then you're not doing it right. Just how it's usually way more satisfying to explore sexual pleasure and sensual interactions with people who are opened and willing to discuss, share their experiences, et cetera. More than someone who knows what you should be doing and tells you how to do it. Especially if this person has a different type of genitalia than yours and has no idea what is going on for you. So you know... You choose. 


And even more than the student mode. I would also say let's pause and take a look at what we try to mimic, this model we are following. Do we agree on this model being impossible to exist since it's a conglomerate of history, media, patriarchy, personal history, systemic history, culture. So first, why are we doing this? How is using energy to live up to something that doesn't exist, and doesn't feel good as wel... helping us? Let me say that again. How is using energy to live up to something that doesn't exist helping us? How is wanting to make our sexuality, our paintings, look like something that doesn't exist, help us? As I usually say you're a smart being, you didn't do anything stupid. Sometimes we just need to ask ourselves the question. How is this helping me? 


In my opinion. This is also why it's so challenging to create your own model or thing you want to paint. We've been trained to get validation. To have good grades so that we can succeed in life, quote-on-quote succeed. To follow what seems right, and how things have been done. And yes, deconstrcting all of that, choosing to own what you paint, refusing to play the replica game to allow you to be in the true posture of the artist has to be a choice. 


You have to want it. And truth to be told, a choice you're ready to make and to show up for, because things will come your way. Whether it's people with good intentions, cliches and conditionings, or your loved ones who don't understand "what is going on with you, you have changed so much". So it's going to be a wild ride, just like when you reclaim a sex life that looks like what you want. 


But in the end, isn't the wild ride, the best way to feel alive? Because you finally step up to who you want to be. 


So after the, how to paint and the what to paint. Let's focus on the colors. Because what would be a beautiful painting without beautiful colors? 


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Many of us, myself included have this tendency to always use our favorite colors and the others end up forgotten in the middle of nowhere, almost unworthy of being on your painting. 


Just to be clear about the metaphor, the different colors are the different types of practices: clitoris, G spot, anal sex, blow job... or anything else. Don't get me wrong, if a color is a "Hell no. Never. Out of question". Respect that. But if it's more a question of "meh, this one isn't really my jam".. Feel free to come and have a look at it again, from time to time, mix it on your palette, so then you can build something else with it. And see if you're still a "meh". In case you're not, you got something new to play with. 


It's also okay if some colors take more space in some places on your canvas. Because maybe that was a time where you enjoyed this practice more. And it's also okay, if at some point you get sick of this color, because you've seen it enough and you want to use it less. 


Of course, it's not because society says you were supposed to use this color at this stage of your life, and/or you're supposed to like the color and not this one, that you need to follow that. Remember, you are the artist, not the arts student. If anal sex, wasn't something interesting until now, that's okay. Your painting will only have this color half of it. And it's still beautiful, still worthy of love and still has the right to exist. 


For one type of color, you can choose how intense you want it. For example, let's say kink is pink on your painting. Depending on what you want to play with, this nuance can be more or less intense depending on how much paint you use. Maybe playing with cuffs will only be a light pink, whereas something more kinky would be a more darker. You can go as far as you want in your kink exploration and you can play with all the nuances. 





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Also, let's not forget one thing: you will mess up. The first time you apply a new color. Or a color from a new brand or anything, there is a good chance you end up making big splashes on your canvas. And that's okay. It's expected too. And remember, it's normal to not, quote unquote, "succeed" at offering a blow job to a partner the first time you do it. Of course you need to practice and you will make some splashes. And also, if big splashes are your jam, don't change anything. As usual, the most important: respect what you want. 


When life happens, some colors might be MIA for some time, and sometimes for a long time. For example, vaginal penetration in early postpartum after vaginal birth might not feel comfortable and you might not want this color there. And that's okay. 


As we mentioned earlier, no color is better than the other, they all have the right to exist. You choose what you want to do with them. You can try to recreate a nuance of this by changing the mix. Yes, if blue is missing, the green you can achieve will be more yellowy. That's expected. Question : do you still want green? Or, sorry in advance, see if there is an art supply shop around. If you take menopause, for example, the best way to keep using yellow, let's say yellow is vaginal penetration, is to use lube. 
So yeah, you got yellow from the store. Well, to be more precise, you got some lube from your favorite lovestore. 


Also notice that maybe the shop might take some time to reopen. And the most important thing is to respect that. The best way for the art supplies shop to open again isn't just stay in front of the store "When are you opening? Why are you not open yet? Don't tell me you're still on vacation. What is wrong with you? I'm sure the other stores does it in a better way that you". That really gives the owner the will to come back really? What works is to actually manifest interest. And reminding the art supplies owner that you love their work, you love what they do. And this metaphor is really, really creepy. But I think it says it all. 


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So let's recap quickly. When you choose to become your sexuality's painter three main things to consider. How you want to paint: by numbers or learning how to paint, how often you want to practice and who is invited in your atelier. 


What do you want to paint? A topic that pleases you, if you are an art student or artist, and the need to let go of validation at least most of the time. 


And third, play with your colors: which one, which intensity and adapting when some colors are MIA. 


Maybe a lot of things to consider, but the only rule there is to have fun. And do something that you like. Create the painting YOU want. We have spent too much time following societal injunction about what a painting is supposed to look like, what color to use. It's time to speak up and use our voices as sex artists. Yeah, we're a sex athletes, sex artists... woopwoop And anyone else's unsolicited opinion about your painting can be invited to look at their painting first. And also you don't need to smile. You are allowed to be angry for if you want. 


The beauty of creating your own painting, when you light up the colors here and there, almost magically, your painting becomes more bright, more brilliant. ..That's what happens when you reconnect to your sexuality. You may notice that your life becomes brighter. Because you got back your access to your whole palette of emotion, of pleasure, of your whole nature. That's the magic of a sexified life, at least in my totally unbiased opinion. And remember, you have your whole life to paint. You have this infinite canvas to play with. 


So don't rush and enjoy your painting. 


If you found this episode, interesting, feel free to share it with a loved one. It helps spread the sexified magic around. If you want to support the show, please consider leaving a review to help more people discover it: on apple podcasts, click on the star rating and click on "write a review", on Spotify click on the star rating. If you want to go deeper, my free ebook "Essence, awakening your senses to feel truly alive" is available in the show notes. And if you want Sexyfied love letters delivered straight to your inbox: subscribe to my email list. Thank you so much for sharing your valuable time with me. I appreciate. And I'll see you next time.