29. Why pleasure should be your new best friend 😏

Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode. If you're new here, welcome. And if you're already part of the sexified family, welcome back. And thank you all for sharing your valuable time with me. I always appreciate. 


Today. I wanted to talk about pleasure. Because pleasure is such a big topic. 
There is a lot to say about it. But especially how it's okay to want it, why it's necessary for your self-evolution and where to start. Because when we are in our busy lives, dealing with our jobs, our kids, and maybe feeling like life is kind of a Mario kart race with dodging things that are thrown at you, trying to go forward as fast as you can... let's face it, one hour a day day to focus on pleasure can feel like a small stretch. So let's dive in. 





[: 00:01:35




I would like to normalize some things right at the beginning. In our daily lives, many of us are conditioned to feel we are in not enough. That whatever we do, there's no way we can get it right. If you're thin, build some muscle. If you're curvy, lose weight. If you don't want kids, how dare you. And if you want kids, hurry up, and rise them well. If you enjoy sex, you're a slut. And if you don't, why are you so uptight? And the list goes on, and on and on, and on... 


Let's acknowledge, in here, that our society makes progress. And yet there are a lot of places where we could make more progress and share how to do things differently again and again, and again.. When we start seeing that, we can be like "things are changing". Yes they are. But we also need to address all of the places where they haven't changed yet. And there are a lot of them. 


Also, when did we agree on being hit by this such violent words? Who would like to have someone telling you that shit in your face as a friend? Like for real. And yet, that's what we're told all day long. And even worse sometimes, it's what we say to ourself. So Nope, it's not okay. 


So either we're not enough or there is something wrong with us. Because with all of the methods to lose weight, how come you're still fat? You're just lacking will, you're in lazy or whatever bullshit. With all the sex education and porn available, how come you're not orgasming every single time, yelling "yes yes" like in a bad porn movie. Whatever you're doing, you can't get it right and be enough. So that means there is something wrong inside of you, doesn't it? Hint: of course not. And we're going to deprogram all of that bullshit from our brain right away. 


Let's acknowledge something first. If you have a female at birth body, or a clitoris, you have an organ dedicated to your pleasure. Thousands of nerves, with the only purpose of bringing you pleasure. If that's not proof that you are allowed to have it, that it is your true nature, I don't know what is. Just like having eyes and being told all the long "keep these blinder on, you shouldn't want to look around, how dare you consider you can even want to see the world with your own eyes. Are you nuts? What is wrong with you? You're so dysfunctional. Only use your eyes when it's super dark around you and when there's very little light, because seeing bright light is so dangerous for you". When you think about your eyes, like this type of thoughts doesn't make sense. So why would it make sense to have an organ dedicated to pleasure and pleasure being wrong? It doesn't make sense. 


And I would even go further. When you consider things on the very basic level, like life creation 1 0 1. The biggest life creation event is when a new human being arrives on this planet. So sexual energy is life creating. And when sexual energy is creating a healthy partnership, whether it's with one person or many, for 10 minutes or for your whole life, or with yourself... with safety, care, consent, and love, this partnership usually comes with pleasure. Sadly, not every in sexual interaction come with those qualities, so it isn't always a source of pleasure, but you see my point. 


So sex can be pleasurable. And it can also be life creating. So pleasure can be life creating. So, of course you're allowed to want pleasure. 


Third reason why we are allowed to want it. Because what we've tried and tell now feeling like shit, unhappy, ashamed, small, scared, and on autopilot hasn't made us happy. And usually it's the contrary. So if things you have done until now are not working, continuing them doesn't change anything. I love this quote from Einstein saying "being crazy is keeping doing the same thing again and again, and again. And expect a different result". I love that. So let's do something different. 


It's okay to want things to be different. It's okay to want more for your life then survival mode and meeting others expectations. It's okay to want a life that feels joyful, vibrant, enlivening, and alive. You are allowed to want that. And anyone saying otherwise, either has an agenda or is too scared to allow themselves to want that too. And guess how you can get more joy vibrancy, aliveness? Yup, you guessed it, through pleasure. 


When you reconnect to pleasure, you create safety in your nervous system. Because you connect to what's rightfully yours and how you are supposed to function, because you're honoring the purpose of your body and how it's designed. And that makes us feel safe. That makes us feel home in our bodies. Because we're honoring how it's supposed to function. 


Pleasure is helping us soothe ourselves. Instead of operating from a place of constantly fighting and feeling there is something wrong with us. When you are constantly using your resources to fight what's right for you, no wonder you are tired. And you are allowed to want some rest. You are allowed to want things to go smoothly and stop fighting. You are allowed to want pleasure. And reclaiming it is an act of courage. And a form of activism, we'll see that in a second. And if at the moment, that feels really foreign, no worries. We'll talk about how to do that in our third part. 


Pleasure is your birthright. You are designed for it. It's your true nature. It helps you come home to yourself by creating safety in your nervous system and stopping the inner fight. And if that's not proof, it's okay to want pleasure, I don't know what is. 


If you're enjoying this episode, can you click on the star rating on your podcast app to help spread the sexified magic? And if you've already done that you have my eternal gratitude . . 


[: 00:09:12

So... now that we have talked about how it's okay to want pleasure, let's dive deeper and discuss how it's actually needed to your self-evolution. Because it brings you back to your body. 


Let's be real for a second, if trying to figure things out with our minds was the solution, there wouldn't be any problems on this planet. Only issue a mind without a body doesn't exist, whereas body without a mind quote unquote "still exists", exists when you are in a coma or in anesthesia for surgery. Without a body, your mind doesn't exist. Mic drop. 


And that's also what's usually at work within the self-development world. It's all about changing your mindset, creating more habits, switching your beliefs. So adding more and more and more to your already very busy mind, without bringing your body on board. And working on your mind without bringing your body with you cannot work. The change won't last. 


So why do we need our bodies and what's pleasure doing there? I'll borrow here an amazing concept I've seen for the first time in Emily and Amelia Nagoski book called "Burnout"- amazing book. If you haven't read it. And that's called completing the stress cycle. Basically allowing your body to complete the cycle of sensation release. Just like you would see a horse shake after a fall, for example. The muscular tension from the contraction will get released from this shaking and they're good to go.

Every stress, every tension, every unprocessed emotion you lovingly put under the rug because you had no time because good girls don't get angry or any other bullshit we're told, are stuck. In our bodies. Preventing us from moving freely and breathing, making us operate from a very limited version of the energy we have available, and also with a very stiff body. Many of us feel our throat is constricted or have regular sore throat because of all the things we don't allow ourselves to say. Many of us have a close to chest to protect our hearts, like shoulder rounding. All of this comes from unprocessed emotions and sensations. 


And there are a few ways to process these emotions and sensations to complete the stress cycle. You can breathe. You can laugh. You can have a positive social interaction with someone. You can have a big old cry. Or use your creative expression. But the thing is, the best method to complete those cycle is to get some kind of movement to your body. So movement, even if it's stress running on the spot. Or just moving your arms. So to complete the stress cycle in the most efficient way you need a body. And you need to come back to it. 


When you process the emotions, you release the tensions. That's the first step to your self-evolution. Because in the end, who cares if your anger comes from this life, a past life, your family, your ancestral lineage or whatever. The question is: how can I work with this anger so that it's not painful for me? And yes, ignoring it and maintaining it quiet is painful too. Remember the energy that it's consuming and that is not available for anything else. That's painful. In my totally biased opinion, self devlopment truly starts when we bring our bodies on board. And when we process and release, what's not needed, just like onions. 


I love this metaphor of self-development being like an onion you peel. It can stink and you may cry. But it makes your food feel good, depending on the recipe. Just like it makes your life feel good too. 


There is a bonus step here. When you reclaim the safety, we mentioned earlier, it's easier to let go and release what needs to be released. Just like, it's easier to have a good cry with a trusted friend holding space for you and being present, than being with a total stranger. Sometimes it helps, but most of the time it helps doing it with a friend. 


Because pleasure helps you build safety, the release can happen with ease. For example, you can get angry and yell at someone their truth, and feel like your vocal chords won't have enough volume to do so, to express how angry you are. It can be a really great plan. And for some reason, sometimes you can't do that. But having an angergasm transmuting that anger energy in orgasm energy is, in my totally biased opinion again, an efficient way to do it as well. Although, I'm not so sure your vocal cords would work less though. 


The great thing is pleasure is a hack that is accessible at every moment. It's just like your breath. Your body already knows how to experience pleasure. It is in its nature, remember? You can soothe your system with your breath. That's the beauty of pranayama and breathwork exercises. And you can also do that with pleasure. It's one of the easiest hacks to start your self-evolution.. 


The great thing with choosing pleasure as a goal? You can't fail. Like for real, there's nothing you can do wrong. It helps you take actions and feel good about taking actions because you can only succeed. You're already successful because you're doing it. 


Let's also not forget one thing. From a very personal perspective, reclaiming your pleasure is a great idea. And it requires courage. When everybody around you is stuck in self hate and unworthiness, if you start talking about how you want to love yourself, you'll get some reactions. Some of them may be supportive and some of them may be really strong and not supportive, let's put it that way. 


And the great thing is when you connect to this nature of yours, you'll get more courage. Not saying that you will be strong and happy all the time, not the point. But you will start to notice what is true, and what is bullshit around us designed to make us feel bad, stay small and be quiet. 


And even on a cultural level, we can consider pleasure reclamation as a form of activism. Because you stop playing the twisted game around us. You're like "This game sucks, I'm out, peace out". And you start showing people that this game sucks. And help them think differently. So many of us start trying something because a dear friend shared with us how great it made them feel, for example, 


When you stop playing by the rule of hating yourself. First you notice how breakneck...ing, I don't know if that's a word, if it's not, I'm sorry. How it is everywhere in many interactions, many actions. How our day-to-day behaviors can be dictated by it. How it's everywhere in society in the media. And that can feel so scary, maybe even discouraging. But the good thing is when you show a new path, when you create a new path for you, you can show it to everyone else. And people are free to take it or not, that's on them. But you're living for you. 


Also you'll start spending your money differently. When you don't feel the need to be fixed, you're less likely to be caught in let's say " unethical marketing". You know, the type of website telling you , "this amazing opportunity will end in 10 minutes and will never come again." Or make you feel guilty because "if you don't buy that, that means you're not ready. You're not showing the universe that you are ready to do the work or you don't really want what it is that you want". Sure, whatever, because if this opportunity was so amazing, as you said it is, you wouldn't need to make me feel like shit to get it. And sometimes we fall because we're humans. 


When you don't feel like there is something wrong with you, you're less likely to buy things you regret later. Because you're not buying things because your buttons have been pushed to trick you and make you feel like shit. Feeling like you're broken is unbearable for a nervous system. And we would do anything to get out of it. So if people press the right button, we jump right in, we're human. That's why we end up buying miracle solutions that almost never work. 


It also creates a weird "power dynamic", quote unquote, with what you are buying. You're buying from a place of "please fix me". And that makes you show up from a place of being saved. And being saved doesn't help you reconnect to your power. That never works in the long run. I don't know if you're familiar with working with intentions, personally sometimes I believe in it sometimes I don't, I also acknowledge that some of my intentions can be very basic and really 3d. Buying from a place of "I need to fix myself" versus "Okay, I know there's nothing wrong with me, I just want to explore and feel even better" feels different, doesn't it? Just in the energy and the feeling going with it. You're not going to get the same thing out of it. 


It would be just like, if you're really hungry right now and didn't plan anything in your lunchbox, you may stop at a bakery to buy a sandwich because you're hungry. You wouldn't go to a three-star Michelin if you're starving, because you know you'll eat something delicious, and yet you won't feel full when you get out of the restaurant. Maybe this metaphor of the, a little bit clunky. On the one hand, there is the "I am hungry, I need food". Whereas on the other it's about "Okay, I feel good. I am well-nourished and I'd like an even better experience with a fancy restaurant". You see my point in here? 


Self-promo time for a second: that's why working with a coach who sees you as whole always works better, in my totally biased opinion. The coach helps people get from "I am functioning and I'm okay" to "I want to thrive and feel exceptional". 


And to do that, you need to address a lot of things as a whole. So I have coachees with whom I work on pleasure goals, having an orgasm, release pain during sex, step out of self hate... and because we use several tools: playing with your body mind, bullshit digestion, inner child and family dynamic healing, pleasure reclamation and stopping your inner war, overall what my coachees get out of this is their pleasure goal, and also a sense of feeling a life worth living, with more brightness, more colors, stepping out of autopilot. And to do that, you need to consider the person as a whole, instead of just wanting to fix their orgasm problem. So it's always a good idea to address challenges from a place of "there's nothing wrong with me, I'm facing a challenge and I want to feel better" instead of "something is wrong with me, please fix me". And if that's something you might be interested in head over to www.fannyleboulanger.com/dowload to check the amazing free resources I have for you. Self-promote off. 


So in my totally biased opinion, pleasure is such a vital tool for our self evolution. Because it brings you what many self-development tools are missing. The connection with your body, not only working with your mindset. Helping you complete the stress cycles and building safety and your nervous system. And bonus step, it's easily accessible. You can play with it whenever you want. You literally cannot do anything wrong and it will profoundly affect every single aspect of your life, helping you reclaim the pleasurefull ride of being alive. So why stay away from it? But now that we know it's okay to want pleasure, and even better, why we need it,

let's talk about where to start. 


If you enjoy this episode, can you please click on the star rating on your favorite podcast platform? It helps spread the sexified magic to the world and helps the podcast grow. And if you've already done that you have my eternal gratitude. . 


[: 00:23:34

If you're like me, you may be like: "Thank you for this amazing information. But where do I start?" Whether you feel so numb and have no idea what pleasure may look like for you, or you're so afraid of your own body and stuck in an inner war you know isn't healthy, but can't figure how to do things differently... Or if you know that you want a sex life that feels more vibrant and thriving, but don't know where to start because now it just feels "meh".... First I see you, many of us have been there are there, or are still there way more often than we're ready to admit. Myself included. I may be the host of Your Sexyfied Life, sometimes I'm like, " oh shit! Here I am back into my head. Let's go back to a pleasure and buddy for a moment and we shall see how it works". 


The secret here? Start slow. As we mentioned earlier, to create change, our nervous system needs safety. And if I tell you: "you want more pleasure, start masturbating every day for a week and you'll feel good", there's a good chance you're not going to do it. And if it's not already a regular part of your practice, there's an even better chance you will be like "Whaaaat ? Please help, that feels so scary, I can't do that". Or you start doing it and then drop it to do something else. When the idea of just touching yourself feels scary or disgusting, a done for you plan of " do X, Y times a week" will never work. The best way to start, is to start slow. And the best way to start slow is to reconnect to your senses. Because when we are stuck in their daily life and habits, what happens is usually all of our senses get on autopilot. 


We don't take the time to have a look around. The city smells bad, so we ignore it. We eat in a rush in front of a screen, I'm guilty of that too. We only give love and care to our bodies when we take a quick shower in the morning, because we're in a rush. So we're basically inhabiting a body, without using it at its full capacity. Because we're disconnected from what connects us to the outside world. 


The example I love playing with is taking a piece of chocolate or any other food that you like. If you are in a safe space and want to play along, you can go ahead and take that. Like take a piece of chocolate between your fingers. And just look at it first. Is the color regular? Does it vary a little bit? Look at all the shapes you can play with, with just a square, if you look at it from above, from the side, if you twist it. Notice the changes of colors when you change how you are holding it. 


Then bring it to your ears and rub your fingers on it. What sound does it make? Is it changing if you press harder? Or lighter? And start smelling it. Take five deep breath smelling it. See how it feels your nose deep down, how it changes if you breathe it for a long period of time. Feel the warmth of your skin melting the chocolate a little bit. Then bring into your lips and bite it really slowly. Listen to the sound makes when cracked. Feel it resonating in your whole skull and brain. Keep it in your mouth without chewing first, feel it melting, starting to develop and get richer in your mouth, the more it alchemizes with your saliva. Listen to this sound it makes when you start chewing. And you've just spent five minutes playing with a piece of chocolate. See? 


When you reconnect to your senses, you feel something inside of your body. And when you start feeling something inside, you reclaim the capacity to feel pleasure too. So many of us are disconnected from pleasure because we're disconnected from all of our senses on a regular basis. 


You can play with self massage, for example. It's really helpful to start reconnecting to your body. Bonus points if you have an oil that smells amazing and can do it laying down under a blanket that makes you feel warm and cozy. And you can go on and on and on custom this play with the time you have available. If you're a very busy woman, and the only thing you can take is two minutes to massage your traps and shoulders after your shower, that's amazing! Start there. And add that amazing oil. 


And if at the moment you don't know what pleasure feels like, maybe release the pressure. And start to play with yourself. "What would I need to be a little more comfortable right now? Just soothing myself, increasing my comfort level just 1% more?" 


It's really important to start slow, so that your body starts feeling safe again, after being in fight flight freeze or fawn response for a long time. And know that your body is designed to experience pleasure. There is no way you can do it wrong. So just commit to that and follow your rhythm. 


[: 00:29:31

So quick recap... first you're allowed to experience pleasure. If you have a clitoris, you literally have an organ with no other purpose than bringing you pleasure. If that's not proof, I don't know what is. Pleasure helps you create safety in your nervous system, which is what you need to create any lasting change in your life. It allows you to stop the inner war and the constant fights inside of you, because you stop resisting when you're made for. And yes, sex is a form of getting pleasure, too, even if it's not the only one. 


Second... pleasure is one of the best tool for yourself evolution. It helps you access one of the big blind spots of self-development: bringing your body with you. So that you can complete the stress cycle and digest your conditioning with more ease, from the safety pleasure is creating. And the best part? Pleasure is easily accessible. It's free and you can't do it wrong. Isn't that amazing? And last but not least, reclaiming pleasure is good for yourself. And for the world, because it's also a form of activism to change the patriarchal bullshit going on around us. So let's do this. 


And lastly... if you don't really know where to start, start by awakening your senses slowly and in whatever timeframe you have accessible. Even if it's just a few minutes of self massage with an amazing oil, or eating a piece of chocolate in a conscious way... That's great. And if pleasure is unaccessible at the moment, start with what would help you soothe yourself. It works like magic. 


If you found this episode, interesting, feel free to share it with a loved one. And if you want to go deeper, you can download Essence, awaken your body to reclaim the pleasure of being alive, my free ebook, the link is in the show notes. Thank you again for sharing your valuable time with me. It always warms my heart to see our sexyfied family growing. 


Thank you again for tuning in today and I'll see you. Next time.