23. Did you kill your inner joy to become an adult ?

Hello everyone. And welcome to another episode. If you're new here, welcome. And if you're not, I hope you'll like this episode too. And thank you all for sharing your valuable time with me, I appreciate. Among the many things that are preventing us to get the thriving sex that we want, there is very often some kind of numbness. An emotional numbness, a sexual numbness or anything else. And the more I write about this, or think about this, or work on this with my coachees or do the work on myself... the more I notice this is something that really can get a huge benefit from one or two sessions of working with your inner child. First I was like: "huh?" And then I started thinking... So many of us, myself included, have lost this connection to our inner child. And I've mistaken growing up with "stop the feeling". Or "stop having fun" . So, today let's explore why we switched off our joy to become an adult: emotional overwhelm, cutting our pleasure and denying our sexual nature. Because guess what, a lot of mess is needed to kill that joy. So it's time to dig deep and bust it out. Let's dive in. 


01:50 - Emotional mess and maturity

From a really young age, we're told to "control our emotions". They are inconvenient. We should not bother others with them. Especially for little girls, there's this expectation for them to be quiet and calm. Whereas it's much more admitted for a young boy to make more noise and be more moving. And at some point, around being a teenager, it's even less acceptable: fit in the mold, follow the rules, get back in the line... So from a young age. We are unconsciously told "your emotions are not okay". Even if that's not set consciously, the lack of validation makes it feel in our system "your emotions are not okay". And the more we grow up the less okay they are. If an adult gets angry, we say they lose their temper. Or they are "way too old to throw a tantrum". The more we grow up, the less OK it feels to experience emotion. And also the more we tend to be afraid of them. Talk about being switched off. 


The thing is... all of these emotions, they have to go somewhere. We've already discussed how emotions are just sensations given meaning by our brain, depending on the cultural context. And because you need to feel it to heal it, then when we don't allow ourselves to follow the impulses, bringing movement, breath or anything. These sensations get stuck in freeze mode. And we end up getting in freeze mode too. So do our bodies. And guess what happens when you freeze your body? Oh, my sex life feels so amazing. Good luck with that. All of these unprocessed emotions and unreleased stress cycles are literally numbing us on a regular basis. Until the emotion is too big and overflows us. 


We are told and we're taught some emotions are valid and some are not. How many of us have been told to stop crying when we were sad. Beacuse you know, it's not a big deal. Or even better, when we come with a difficult situation that makes us sad, people try to "help you see the bright side out of it". Yeah... at the moment I don't need the bright side. I just need to be sad and to have my sadness acknowledged and being recognized before helping you see the bright side of it. 


If you take anger, for example, it's also really healing to actually have your anger validated. Knowing that you are allowed to be angry because what you're facing sucks. Instead of being told to "calm down", or "why are you making such a big deal about it? This is peanuts". Come on, have this ever worked on anyone? Well on me, it never has. 


So.. We train ourselves and we are trained to only allow space for the quote unquote good emotions, and suppress the other. Or not feel them for too long, because "you need to get over yourself". And since we cannot selectively numb, if you suppress an emotion or give it less space than it needs, then it's only a matter of time for the good ones to go the same way. If you have suppressed your sadness for a long time, a little more sadness might feel super threatening to your system. Especially since you don't remember really well how much sadness you lovingly put under the rug. 


So if you feel there is already a ton of sadness under the rug, of course you don't want to add anything to it. So you pretend the sadness doesn't exist. Lalalal, I don't see you, you don't exist. That goes with anger. That goes with everything else. And so you numb everything. And it might sound like I'm giving you advice, but I'm going through that way more often than I'm ready to admit. And also little hint: the amount of sadness you have, or anger you have under the rug is usually way less than you think. It's just that this amount of emotion is making a huge noise for you to stop pretending it's not here or that you're not seeing it. Basically like a little kid throwing a tantrum, a small human being can make so much noise. Same. Such a simple emotions, because emotions are just sensations, can make such a huge mess. If we pretend they don't exist. La la la la 


And more than that. We're not trained to resource ourselves, to soothe ourselves. We are actually trained to suck it up. Like really keep it inside and suck it up. Talk about a joy killer. And what happens when you don't know how to soothe yourself ? Then you expect the soothing from others. And I'm saying this with the kindest heart possible, because I do that too. But that's sometimes what's going on in a partnership were you actually wonder or feel that the other person is supposed to fill your needs, make you happy. And add to that such a patriarchal bullshit around us, like meeting the one, where we will magically fit, and be perfectly aligned and your problems will disappear. Nope 


So we start putting the problem on our loved ones: you're not showing up the way I want you're not giving me enough. I am unhappy because you whatever. Apart from the problem of directly blaming others being detrimental to the relationship, it's also a way to not take a hundred percent self-responsibility. So, how do you want to connect with your inner joy, your inner radiance and vibrance, if you don't show up for yourself. If you actually don't feel responsible for what you're doing. So you're protecting yourself from the pain. But you cannot do that halfway. So that also goes with seeking joy from other places, from other people. Instead of being connected to it from inside. So, Hey, let's switch

everything off. 


When we show up without knowing how to process emotions, how to have the tools, to feel them all and be okay with them, knowing that you actually have your own back, whatever happens... Of course we disconnect. I mean, come on a big anger outburst can be so threatening to a human body, and to a human nervous system. Especially if you've been sitting on it for a while. Of course it can feel overwhelming and we can be scared. To hurt ourselves, hurt others, throw everything at our kids, colleagues and loved ones. So, what do we do? Let's not pretend it doesn't exist. So we numb ourselves. And that impacts our lives and our sex lives. 


Let's be honest... our amazing emotions can be a source of an amazing hot mess. And instead of numbing ourselves, when the hot mess comes up and we don't have the tools to feel it all -because we're trained to only favor the sexy part of the hot mess- then it's hard to process it all and take responsibility for what is ours. There's a good chance to get some kind of numbness at some point. And again, some kind of numbness easily becomes totally numb. 


` And if you take a second to think about this... this would also happens in our sex lives. Because there are always so many unprocessed emotions and things under that. Maybe it's your personal history and what you've been through. But it also can be things very simple, like an anger at our loved ones who don't take care of themselves and make poor health choices, the sadness of aging, things being different from what they used to do, the anger of the daily life being in a hamster wheel where you actually have no idea what's going on, and why you feel you have no control on anything. 


All of that. All of your history. Everything. This is so much. And when you're not familiar with how to deal with that, how to discharge all of this, to release all of that... that adds up. And it's unbearable to feel all of that. No wonder we disconnect. 


And even worse... sometimes there are emotions we're not so ready to admit we have, or maybe feel guilty we have. Talking to all the moms out there, who truly love their children very much. And sometime are just so angry, because they're messing up the dressing up, not wanting to put the shoes on or not leaving you three minutes on your own without a "Mummyyy" coming out from somewhere. So there's the emotions you are in contact with. The one you might not be in contact with yet. The one you are in contact, but pretend they don't exist. That's way too much for a nervous system. We need to release a lot, but just releasing a little bit of that, befriending your emotions, that's one key to actually get out of numbness. At least a little bit. 


So, yeah. We can actually trade our inner joy with numbness, because of our emotions. Because we're scared of them, because they are overwhelming us, because we only want to feel some of them or we are not really feeling self-responsible of we're going to do with them. So they're basically getting stored in our bodies and stay there. Waiting for the outburst, if things just move a little. That's so much for nervous system. So of course it would shut things down. There's nothing wrong with you. 


12:14 - Cutting yourself from pleasure

On a very basic level, it seems like in our adult life, there is this thing about growing up meaning killing all the fun. Becoming an adult means losing contact with your inner joy. With what feels good. You have to pay your bills, you have to do this and do that, and it's really easy to forget, to have fun. Or only get glimpses of joy here and there, in vacations or watching Netflix. I'm not saying there is anything wrong in that per se. It's more a question of do you feel that's enough? And some people might be perfectly okay with that. And some are not. And from my experience, we need to get our inner joy back to reconnect to some kind of fun. Some kind of light. Something that makes us laugh for nothing. Many of us, myself included have confused, growing up and "stop playing". Or growing up and "being boring". I'm not saying doing your taxes is fun, although it can be depending on your kink, but so often the idea of doing something just because it feels good comes last on the list. So like never. Because let's face it. We're busy people. So if we don't prioritize something consciously, at least a little bit, It's going to fall off the wagon and be forgotten. 


I'll borrow a metaphor from a French series : visualize everything that you give to Tomorrow, visualizing that guy being Tomorrow, there's a good chance that guy turns out to another guy that's called Never. And give him what was originally for Tomorrow. 


Same goes for having fun. Or taking things a little bit lighter. It can be as simple as playing a fun song when you're brushing your teeth at night. You can even dance a little bit. We all need more fun in our lives. At least, that's the case for me. And for many people I know. 


You've heard me say many times pleasure is our true nature, as the only species with an organ dedicated to pleasure. The clitoris having thousands of nerves with no other purpose than making you feel good. So when we cut ourselves from our pleasure, we are literally disconnecting ourselves from our true nature. With an emptiness inside, with a part missing, that's literally like walking with a leg broken, a constant state of imbalance. And when we mistake growing up and killing the fun, we're basically growing up with one leg malfunctioning. And because it's really hard to walk properly with one leg malfunctioning, then we switch off. 


The other thing about having this emptiness that makes us feel something is missing? This is so uncomfortable and we would do anything to make it stop. Including looking for outside solution that promises our problem will be magically solved. If we sign up for this program. Or pay this amount of money for someone random. And I'm saying this with the kindest heart, because I tend to fall in that too. Because it's a very human things to do, to want to feel at ease. And let's be honest, there are great programs out there. But many of them are just going to teach you some kind of trick, or tell you to "change your mindset and let go of your beliefs" or whatever. 


And what happens when you walk in an imbalanced state? Then you want to get a stick a solution from outside. And regarding our Western society, you are basically given a poison stick, the poison stick of patriarchy. Because you see everyone walking around with this stick because that's what we've been told, we've seen our mothers and grandmothers walking with this, that's when we end up following the rules and integrating everyday sexism as if it's normal. And I also stand by the fact we're all doing it. No matter how aware we are . There will always be some blind spots. And that's okay. Our job is to recognize them. And share when we found them so that people can see them too. And start looking for their blind spots. 


One big blind spot? Human giving syndrome. I don't know if it's somewhere else on the internet, but I learned it from emily and Amelia Nagoski's book "Burnout", amazing book to read. Basically how a little girl is supposed, at some point in her life, to have her trajectory being moved towards children, becoming in service of the family. Basically putting everyone else's needs, before her own. Who actually wants to feel on a daily basis. "You're so not important because everyone else's needs are most important than you?". Because your needs come last on the list. Who wants to feel "you know, what? You can take care of yourself after everyone else's needs have been perfectly taken care of." We all know that's impossible. Who wants to feel all of that? On a daily basis? I guess nobody, or maybe in a really particular kinky context. So of course it's unbearable, and of course we switch off. So we confuse growing up and being quote unquote "responsible" with switching off because it's unbearable. That's expected. That's not normal. That's expected. 


For a second. Let's get back to pleasure. Saying you are not allowed to have pleasure, that pleasure is dirty, shameful, that you should have access to it only in a particular way, aKA a partnership, making your pleasure mean all of that shit is literally walking with one leg, because you've been told your other leg has a problem. Or that there is something wrong with her. When we are convinced there is a problem with one leg, when we are in constant pain with one leg, of course we feel numb. We disconnect and then we feel sad inside, or we feel angry inside. And everybody's like "But you have everything. Why are you not happy? " Or "what is wrong with me? I don't understand why I am so angry, sad, or whatever". There's nothing wrong with that. What's wrong is actually having our pleasure shamed, having constant unsolicited opinions about our pleasure, about how we use pleasure, how we create pleasure. That's really what's hurting us. 


And I would also say reclaiming our right to pleasure is a kind of political act. Like a "I'm done playing by the rules and I choose to do things differently. I decide to create a new way. And I'm ready." And it takes courage to do that. It also takes courage to honor when we will fall flat on our face during the process, because when you have been with a leg half functioning most of your life, you will fall flat when you try to walk again. And that's okay. As long as we keep showing up. As long as we keep pleasure as a priority. And again, pleasure can be as simple as moving your hips while listening to your gentle music while you brush your teeth. Or listening to good music while you're cooking dinner. Or singing in your car. Or buying to yourself an amazing pillow cover thing that feels soft. Or changing your bathroom supplies with something that actually smells good and is good for your body. Create a playlist with songs that literally puts you out of grumpy mode. When you reclaim your pleasure. You get out of autopilot. And if at the moment, sexual pleasure is not accessible. That's okay. And if pleasure as a whole thing is unaccessible. Maybe starts with what feels nourishing. What helps you feel more comfortable? And the more you connect to that on regular basis, more, you will see the changes in your sex life. And whole lives, for that matters. 


So, yeah, another ingredient to numb ourselves and killer inner joy? Cut the pleasure. And embrace the "I'm here to suffer" rule. And no judgment. We're all doing that. And we've been trained to do that. Cutting ourselves from any source of fun, whereas we should put that as a priority, because if we don't, then it won't happen. And also, because when you do that for yourself, suddenly people around you start doing it too, magically. Cutting yourself from your pleasure is literally having a chronic pain in one leg, or cutting one leg or be given a poison stick by the patriarchy to stand up. And you don't deserve that. You deserve to feel whole. We deserve to feel whole. 


Before we continue. If you're enjoying this episode and the show, would you do me a favor and click on the star rating in your favorite podcast app? You can write a review too. It helps support the podcast. And let me know in the comments where you're coming from. You'll have my eternal gratitude. Well, maybe not eternal, but you'll have my gratitude. Thank you. 


22:33 - Cutting yourself from your pleasure nature

You heard me say that before, sexual energy is life force. Literally the one creating baby humans on the planet. So this endemic patriarchal bullshit going around us, even if it's getting a little bit better and it's getting a lot of awareness, this is controlling our life force . Literally life killing. Being aligned with the possibility of experiencing pleasure, whether it's sensual pleasure, whether it's sexual pleasure, whether it's food, or smell, or just. Time pleasure taking your time pleasure. That shouldn't be a luxury. That's your own house cleaning. How do you want to take care of others if you're not doing your own laundry first? And no shame and guilt around that. We've been trained to do that with being told. Pleasure is something we should be afraid of, and sex is dirty or there is a problem with it or if you honor your sexual nature too much, you're going to get assaulted, harassed or just basically put away from the base of society. So, that's not normal, but that's expected. 


We are constantly told we're not enough, whatever we do. That's unbearable for a nervous system. You know what? Try your best, but you suck anyway. We're such powerful beings. Let's not forget for a second, you came alive from one egg and one sperm. I remember being in first year of med school, with my best friend by my side, we were learning everything that could go wrong before the embryo being settled down in the womb. And we were like: " holy shit. We're pretty lucky to be here, like grownups living a somehow healthy and balanced life". Whatever healthy and balanced life can look like in first year of med school. But when you consider all the crap that could have gone at every single moment, this is a literal miracle for us to be here. And then, there was all the possible mess of the pregnancy and the childhood development issues and chilhood trauma and teenage trauma. And you've survived all of that. You're an adult living your life. Of course it's messy because it's life. But you're survived all of that. So don't tell me you're not powerful. You just being here is fucking awesome. Yoohoo 


So, yeah, being told over and over you're not enough. Whereas inside you're like a freaking rock star of life evolution. Bring it on. It's normal to consider at some point: who's right? Everybody around me saying I am unworthy of love or pleasure or having opinions? Or just me feeling 'I'm awesome" ? For some people, the "I'm awesome" might be the first answer. if that's you congrats. You rock. But for most of us, that's the opposite. 


And that goes for our sexual life force too. If everybody around me says there's something wrong with that, or shows me that there is something wrong with me expressing myself: who's right? Everybody behaving like that? Because that's what they've been told. Or me, feeling there's nothing wrong about it? So, of course we numb ourselves. We tell ourselves there is something wrong with us and we switch off. And that's what we call growing up. Or becoming an adult. Yay. Adulthood is so sexy. 


The good thing about sexual energy is that it has some kind of creativity associated to it. Because you're literally creating a new baby. So in my opinion, our true power comes from when we honor this energy, this sexual energy we have. And if sexual isn't accessible at the moment, at least honor the creativity within. Start there. Follow any type of creative work that feels appealing at the moment, even if it's drawing flowers like a six year old on a journal. Any resemblance with current reality of my drawing skills is totally coincidental. You have such strong power. You have such strong creativity, whether you feel it or not. 


Honoring your sexual nature allows you to explore what feels true at the moment. Depending on where you are on your cycle, some things might feel good and some might not. And something might feel amazing when you are aroused and without arousal, hell no get out! This also allows us to reconnect to how cyclical we are. And how everything around us cyclical: day and night, see tides, seasons. How it's actually useless to try to control it. And make it still. Or if we can, it messes up with our health and the health of the planet. We are cyclical beings. So if you want everyone to feel bad, especially half of the population, convince them there is a problem with the cycles. Want to kill any sense of joy and a kid, tell them to stand still and stop moving and do the same thing all day long. So why are you doing this to yourself too? 


Let me warn you. When you reclaim that : this sexual nature of yours, how you are cyclical, you'll get some reactions around you. Especially if you've been stuck in people pleasing mode for a long time, people will be like "oh, you have changed so much". Yeah. Guess what? I was miserable. You changing something will trigger them. It's really uncomfortable. And you need to be aware of this at some point. But as Einstein says: being crazy is doing the same thing again and again, and wait for different results. So to get a different result, you will need to do something different. And that might create opinions from others who haven't seen you do that before. Not comfortable but expected. 


So I'll say it again. The fastest way to reclaim your sense of inner joy? Allow yourself to honor your sexual nature. And if you're not ready for a full commitment of seven days of sex magic a week, that's okay too. Maybe start with breast massage three times a week. Just in your own mind. I have the resources about that in the show notes, if you want. The important thing? Show up for yourself. 


29:38 - Quick recap

So quick recap. First, we saw we trade our inner joy with numbness because of our emotions. Whether they are overwhelming us, because we only want to feel some of them, or because we're not really willing to show up a hundred percent self responsibility to deal with them. Because we haven't learned to do so. So they are basically getting stored into our bodies and stay there waiting for the outburst, or numbing yourself. That's so much for a nervous system. So of course we'd shut things down. 


The other ingredient to numb ourselves? Cut the pleasure. And follow the "I'm here to suffer rule". Cut yourself from any source of fun, whereas we actually should make it a priority. Cut ourselves from any source of pleasure is like cutting one leg in and walk in imbalance. That's not comfortable. Of course we'd switch off. 


And last but not least. We also trade our inner joy for numbness, when we cut ourselves from our sexual nature. Is it coincidental society shames women about their sexuality while their literal life force is sexual? Maybe. Or maybe not. When we are constantly judged, criticized, told we are not enough, when our source of power gets so much unhealthy attention. Of course, it's going to get messy. And of course, we're going to be scared of the mess if we don't know how to deal with it. So, of course, we're going to switch everything off. 


So what happens when we refuse to switch off? Get ready for the wildest ride ever. Sometimes so connected, sometimes so lonely. Because everyone around you is wondering what is going on with you and why you just don't go back to the line and the person you used to do. A ride where you experience it all: the juiciness of the good and the epicness of the shit, where your karma gets thrown right into your face again, and again, and again, until you digest it. But most of all a ride where you feel truly alive, where you feel it all, where you feel the joy inside. And that's what I wish for all of us. That's what I like to share in this podcast as well. So next question: are you in? 


If you found this episode, interesting, feel free to share it with a loved one. If you want to support the show, you can click on the star rating on your favorite podcast platform or write a review. And if you want to go deeper and start the journey. You can grab my free ebook Essence, awaken your body to reclaim the pleasure, to feel alive, the link is in the show notes. Thank you again for sharing your time with me today. And I'll see you next time.