14. The map of who you are

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Hello everyone. And welcome to another episode. . If you're new welcome to the show and if you're not thank you for coming back. Today, following our self-hate episode series. I wanted to share with you what came up for me while I was doing this exploration. And how actually I noticed I was really triggered by all the advice I was getting, "be more grateful for what you have", "write affirmations to reprogram your brain", "do your morning rituals and blah, blah, blah". And most of all, the big "Be who you are". Great. Would you mind showing me where she is? Because right now I have actually no idea where to find her. Fanny ?Where are you? Do you hear me? * croissement de corbeau * That was, uh, you know, the scary bird in the horror movie sound. 


PART 1 : "who the f*** am I ?"

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I guess I need to work a little bit more on that, but that being said. You may be wondering if you are a soul in a human body, a star seed wanting to go back home ASAP because whatever job you're supposed to have come here to do really sucks. Or maybe just chakras in a perfect imbalance that you want to course correct all the time until you notice, there is no way you can do that. 


Or maybe a totally kinky being that had no other idea to go to try a human experience because you know, perfect absolute bliss is really boring. Or maybe nothing at all, and you're pissed off by all these explanations we can have the luxury to have when people around us die of hunger, disease or at war. 


Personally, I thought I was a little bit of all of that. And at the same time, a very wise woman dear to my heart once said " if we wouldn't meant to be here, then we wouldn't be here. We would be somewhere else, living other experiences on Venus or Mars or in a parallel universe or whatever. You only have one life as you, now. The truth is, do you want to live it or do you want to spend it figuring out a way to get out of it? Your choice. There's no good or bad answer about this." 


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I don't know about you, but I always felt this "knowing myself" thing very heavy. Like a big mountain. Boom. To go anywhere you want to go in your life, you have to figure out who you are. Like this thing, I was supposed to know where it was, what it was. And I didn't. And it really made me feel bad and somehow doomed little bit. Like "you don't have it, you're doomed, sorry." So I spend a lot of time looking. And, what you'll hear from every little source in the self studying spiritual world. You are "more than"... more than your job, more than a parent, more than your hobbies, more than your history. And it is very true. 


And in my system, it really felt like this was making the mountain even bigger. I am supposed to be all of that. And more than that, Talk about big and heavy. 


So okay, I get it. I'm big, like... A lot of things. And at the same time, I'm a combination of very basic things. I am part of a relationship :I am a daughter, a sister, a partner, a friend, an enemy sometimes. Not that often, I guess. I am also what I know: my medical background, my coaching skills, my yoga skills, the pop culture in my head, the books I remember... And I am also what I share and what I teach: I teach empowerment and pleasure as a sex coach. I share food for thoughts as a podcaster, health as a doctor. I am what I do, my job and other things: I am a doctor, I am a sex coach, I am a yoga teacher, and a student, I'm a podcaster, a good cook only when I want it, but I am also how I show up. I am kind and compassionate. I am sassy and I have a zero bullshit tolerance and I am also sometimes really, really angry. And the list goes on and on and on, and I don't want you to fall asleep. 


So, yeah, I haven't even started to walk that path and there is this huge mountain of who I am already and I am supposed to be more than that. A sassy voice in my head is here and laughing. "Good luck if you want to run with all that weight". 


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There is one thing about that that I wanted to address. It's something that we hear very often about how we are more than our jobs . So how am I supposed to be more than what actually takes my whole life around at the moment? 


Same goes for parenting. "You're not just a parent". Definitely I can understand that, but at the moment when my life has been hijacked and revolves aorund my children, even if I love them very much. Can you really tell to my face that I am "not only a parent?" Thank you. I'm already exhausted just with that. 


Even if it can feel reassuring for some of us, for others it can really lead to dissociation. " How could I even be more than what consumes the most of my time? I have no space for more". Or even worse. How can I not be what consumes my time at the moment? So all of this energy is consumed in something I am not. Really?" This is unbearable for a nervous system. Even worse, it actually can be a really other sneaky way to make us feel bad about ourselves. And of course, it's always a good idea to feel bad about yourself. You know, we're not doing that enough. 


What I meant by that is how, and I'm sure it's the case for a lot of us, I feel my job costs me a lot. Med school has cost me a lot in terms of health, in terms of time, in terms of investment. In terms of years of my life. So don't you dare tell me, I'm not a doctor. Same goes for other jobs. Whether they are physically or mentally demanding, when you arrive at home at the end of the day, you may know in your mind you are more than that. But your body may be like, "what do you mean, I'm more? Like all this energy spent there and I am more than that. So all this energy isn't enough?" 


side Note, of course I am exaggerating and I'm well aware of how it comes from good intentions and love, and I also know how it falls flat on the face sometimes. 


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Also, let's not forget one thing... when we end up asking ourselves these questions, it's usually not a time in our lives where we feel truly happy, aligned, and excited by what we're going through. Not saying it has to be, but for most of us, these questions come when we are facing some kind of unpleasant events or feel really misaligned with what is going on in our lives. And we start looking for answers. 


What happens during those moments is how our programs, because our brain runs and programs, have been literally thrown away. And we are facing this huge void with our brain running in circles: "Where are my programs? where my programs? where my programs?" And these injunctions, "finding who we truly are" can really just be some kind of a mean laugh in the background to our already panicked brain. "You know, there are already true programs that are aligned with who you are. They really exist. You just need to try harder to find them". Not really helpful, is it? 


So with all of that, if the, "who am I" questioned is bringing me more trouble than solving problems. I had to look for something else. I just want to share with you something that hit me one day and if I consider everything that I am, and I stopped the list earlier because I didn't want you to fall asleep, I noticed that I could draw a map out of all of this. And indeed I could. The map of who I am and I really liked that metaphor and I wanted to share it with you. 


PART 2 : A very complete map

The map metaphor solved my quote, unquote "problem" of "who the fuck am I?" Almost instantly. Of course I am more. I am a freaking world myself. A world where there is space for that. And for everything else. Imagine like when you open an RPG book or at the beginning of any fiction book with a carefully crafted universe, peaks and valleys and cities and countrysides, and sees. All the beauty of this. And how actually each of us have a unique map, a unique combination of so many things. 


The idea here is just, we have so much diversity inside. And also, you know, every map is going through different seasons, climate changes, et cetera. Remember the seasons of your sexual cycle, how we tend to favor summer and spring. And are afraid of autumn and can confuse real winter and fake winter. You can find all of that in this too. Sometimes a land will get a nice snow and sometimes it will just be secretions because you just sneezed on it. This map can live all of that too. 


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Some parts of this map are accessible and some are not, and will never be again. Because maybe one continent has been destroyed by an earthquake. Let's call it puberty. And will never come back. But still there are some ruins there, there are plants and colors. So there always will be a part of this childhood in this map. There will always be a part of my childhood with me. Some parts will be accessible later when I grow up, maybe a whole mountain will come out of the ocean when I retire or maybe not. This map in Constant evolution. 


And ... what I noticed with my personal big map is how there is actually a lot of fog in the middle. And that fog sometimes disappears, when I have an epiphany and come back straight again, because I haven't understood why this place creates fog in the first place. If you remember the top to bottom and bottom to top approaches, I would say top to bottom, the one that doesn't really stick, is me blowing on the fog to get it out. But not really understanding why there is fog in the first place. Whereas the bottom to top would be clearing the space, so there's less fog created. And at some point we need both. sometimes you just need to blow it so that it goes away and you can see your map because you need it at the moment But in my opinion, it's way efficient to try to understand why the fog is there in the first place and release it. But we need both. 


Sometimes your map can have a tendency to create more fog easily. And some people will be perfectly happy with that. And some will not. Sometimes you might need help to install fans and winter beans to help things circulate. But it's not healthy for an environment to never have fog or rain. So it's always a question of balance. 


I find this metaphor of the map, really reassuring. Because sometimes a part will stay in the fog for a long time and come out all of a sudden. Some cities will collapse and other will say, and there will always be ruins of what once was and that's okay. Even if the puberty earthquake ruined a lot of things, there are still things to look at. And I would even go further and say that most of us, myself included, never really took the time as adults to really look at our map. We keep it running because our brain runs on predictions of what it was when we were children. That's why it's so hard to reprogram ourselves. This is just our brain looking at the map saying, oh, that's green, green is blue and yellow, but it's not aware that as an adult, you may recognize there are many nuances of green. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just a good thing to be aware of it. Start examining what is really ours and what is coming up from our childhood? 


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Sometimes I will build a new city, like when I start a new hobby. And if I'm totally honest, switching from small village with tiny houses to becoming a whole city with houses and hard walls requires time and efforts. And that's okay if, sometimes I don't want this village to evolve into a city and drop it. There is nothing wrong with that. It's not a question of "I am not able to", or whatever. When there are so many cities and people on my map and just, if I consider mine. If you're in charged with helping a new map-owner take care of their own map. Yes, that's children in case you didn't get the metaphor. You can't do everything everything everywhere, not every village will become a city. And that's okay. And that's normal. Sometimes this village will just be abandoned because there was something new to discover somewhere or another fog space to be cleared somewhere else. And that's okay 


If I follow this metaphor of the cities, I would say there are bigger and smaller cities and some are more important than others. Maybe some are responsible of water supplies or they have an underground network to go faster instead of walking into the forest. I don't know about you, but personally, when I am in state of crisis of any sort. I tend to be hijacked by my own brain. And go on and on and on running the same patterns of self hate and disconnection from my body. Turns out I'm a human and sometimes I definitely need to remind myself to do what I teach and share in this podcast. But what usually happens is that I drop everything that makes me feel good. So basically, cutting off the source of power of all my main cities. And have people running around on my map yelling "help, help". 


So we agree this is not a good idea to do, right? But what I wanted to say as well is how it's actually an illusion to wish for all the leaders to have the same opinion and be on board with everything. If you're like me, I have a tendency to want every part of me to be on board with what I'm doing It's really hard to acknowledge that I might have conflicted opinions about one same topic. They're literally live in different parts of the map and have no ideas what is going on somewhere else. Maybe there's one in the desert, maybe there's one in the snow. Maybe there's one underground. There is no way for all of these people to have the same opinion and be on board with everything.. And there is nothing wrong about that. There's nothing to feel bad about if you can't control that. And we can't pretend they don't exist. It will never work. The only thing we can do is to offer a seat at the table in the central castle, if you want to castle you don't have to, but if you want a central castle, actually allowing the leaders to have a seat at the table, instead of wanting them to think the same. There's nothing wrong with having conflicting opinions and everything. Every voice deserves to be heard 


The beauty of the map, it's an endless playground. But what is even more beautiful is that you can actually choose how you want to look at it. Pretty empowering if you ask me 


PART 3 : Looking at your map

When you look at a map, there are two possibilities. Either you're looking at it from afar and have less details, or you're looking at it from closer and you can only see one part of it. Think about it for a second. Maybe this big, who am I question has sidetracked for a little bit, because I was really wanting details. As in, I want to understand who I am. I want details. So I looked at some part of it, got some details, but it couldn't feel complete because it was only a partial view. My lovely human eyes can only look at a portion of the screen to get details. So some things won't be visible at the moment. And that's okay. 


Also when you take a glance at a small part, you can see it as rigid, fixed, like when you're taking a picture, basically. When we do that, then our brain is happy. This is who I am. I have my answers. And two weeks later, we're not sure of anything. And especially of who we are. Because what really felt true at the moment doesn't feel real anymore. Best case, it just feels weird inside. Worst case, we use this as an excuse to torture ourselves. " You're so useless, not even capable to figure out who you truly are. Blah-blah-blah." You just took a picture at some moment and thought this was you. It will never be. Whereas if you consider you are the map, then it's just a picture. And that's okay if things change. 


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When I understood that I was like, oh, this might be why I felt triggered. Because inside, I know I am a whole interactive map. And my brain is like, I only see this tiny portion. There's something wrong. How come what I see is so different than when I feel? And we ended up searching and searching for answers about who we are without actually finding them because our eyes cannot see how big we are. But deep down, we know we are a whole map of colors, landscapes of many sorts. Deep down, you know, you are more than what you think, and the small photo you can see at every moment. 


But. I say, usually you say you are a smart being. You do not do anything stupid. So looking at a time frozen tiny portion of the map has its advantages too. Because sometimes you need details to understand which type of green comes from which mix? So that when you look somewhere else on your map, you can be like, "huh? I know this green. . So when you see it somewhere else, you can have an idea of where to look. 


So looking at tiny portions to get details is important. Maybe more than the "who am I?" question is more about :where am I looking right now on my map? What is the picture I'm taking? What are the details I'm seeing? And remember all of these details are just a part of your whole map. 


I don't know about you, but I really feel less pressured with that. I can totally have a part of my map where every person of the village has a nice clean house and other parts of my map, who actually, nobody gives a shit about cleaning and that's okay. I'm allowed to have all of that. Having it all on your map and knowing you deserve to have it all to feel it all: the colors, the sparkles, the textures, the waterfalls, the mountains, the oceans. Isn't feeling all of that the definition of being alive ? 


Don't worry if you get stuck into looking at one part of your map all the time, we all do. And sometimes we remember we are a whole map quickly. And sometimes we need more time and there is nothing wrong with that. You being aware you are a whole map is already huge. And as usual, if what I say isn't resonating, drop it. You know, what's best for you. 


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A lot of us have struggled with acceptance. And hating how actually the cliche of the only true way to heal is through compassion and acceptance. Yes, it's true and yet it suuuucks really hard. But what I noticed is as soon as this map metaphor came up, I noticed I could choose how I wanted to look at my map. 


I can yell that it sucks, that it's ugly, that I don't want it to be here, that I don't want to be a map. It it doesn't work, at least for me it didn't. I can just yell at parts of my map. It will only get spit and droplets of saliva, but it will not disappear. Worst case scenario, it will get into fake winter, but it will still be here. Or I can create a storm somewhere. But there's no way I could create storms everywhere at the same time so that I can fully change my map. And even still after the rain, there are some good chances that it stays the same. It's in constant evolutions, but I cannot cut part of it. Nothing totally disappears. 


So I have a choice. I can spend all my energy in something that won't change. Or do things differently. I don't know if you have played video games, like Zoo Tycoon or the Sims. But, you can actually choose who you wanted to be. Most of the time, I was a nice goddess that didn't want to hurt anybody and enjoyed looking at these worlds, running their own life with people... animals... Swimming pools I could delete the ladder just to see if the SIM would really dies... and also doors that I could delete to see how long it would take Don't judge me, I know you've done it too. And I did say I was a kind goddess most of the time, not all the time. But that being said most of the time, I really enjoyed looking at this living world full of life, full of people. And even if I wanted to, I didn't have a knife or a pair of scissors to cut them up. That was impossible. 


So maybe just keeping that energy and really have a look at what I have. Maybe noticed. Just maybe how beautiful it is. How naive it is. Looking at it at this map. Looking at it. Seeing how it breathe. The seasons change. The temperatures. Peaks and the valleys, how it is. Alive. 


And if at the moment, you actually cannot stop yelling at your map that you hate it, that's okay. I've been there too. And sometimes I am back there and I have to catch myself up. There is nothing wrong with you, if at the moment, finding curiosity, compassion, or love to this beautiful map you are isn't accessible. If you truly want it one day, it will be. I promise. 


How to do that? Look at your map and just commit to one second of kind thought. It can be really simple like, this color looks nice. No need to tell yourself "I love my map" when you hate it, it won't work. Just figure out one kind thought. And if kind is hard, one neutral thought. You have a whole map in your head, I'm sure you can find one thing that looks nice. 


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If your map doesn't look like anyone else's map, it doesn't mean that it is not worthy of existing. Let me say that again. Your map being different from everyone else's map doesn't mean it is not worthy of existing. And if at the moment, the only thing accessible is yelling at some parts of your map, that doesn't mean the rest of your map doesn't exist either or that it isn't worthy of existing. And even if if I'm talking with a big channeling voice right now, I'm saying this to you and to myself as well. My map not looking like anyone else's map doesn't mean it isn't worthy of existing. 


Also your map not looking like what it's supposed to look like doesn't make it unworthy of existing either. If you remember this self hate snake episode, where we keep chasing something that doesn't exist, same goes for the map. We keep chasing a mix of people's ideas and wishes about what a map should look like. And this is destined to fail. If your map is full of mountains and snow, you can turn the heat as much as you want to make it become summer, the snow will always come back. The truth is, do you want to keep turning on the heat and consume all your energy? 


Or maybe, if you let your snow just be and use your energy to actually build something on your map, this snow may melt naturally, and it may become spring later. We are lucky enough to have a whole map to play with, depending on where you are in your journey, you may consider it's a blessing or a curse, but you have your map. You belong here. Just as you are. With your map, just looking like what it is right now. Your map is yours. And yours only. And you belong here. And it's beautiful. Just as you are. And you can choose at any moment. Where do you want to look on your map and how you want to look at it? And also if, sometimes you notice you're looking at some parts that is unpleasant and not saying nice things to that part, that's okay, too. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. That's just part of the play of having a map. 


I would love to finish this episode with a request. It would mean the world to me, if you share this episode with someone you love and who is going through this rough path of who the fuck am I spiral. If you want to learn more about how to play with this beautiful map that you have, I would invite you to download my free ebook it's called essence, about awakening your body to feel the pleasure, to feel alive. The link is in the show notes. If you want to support the show, feel free to subscribe to the podcast on your favorite platform. That's the number one way to signal to the platforms. Hey, there's something good going on here. And if you want to leave the review, it brings extra love to the podcast. Thank you for tuning in today. See you in our next episodes.